Writer In Motion Forum
WRITER IN MOTION => Week 1 posts => Topic started by: Vickywrites on August 04, 2020, 02:44:58 PM
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Why wasn't she moving?
Crouched on the roof of the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings towards the star-filled sky and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the flowers, a breeze stirring her curls and billowing her patterned dress. Crickets chirped around them, bats darted over their heads and the symbol tattooed on her wrist, his emblem of spirals and shadows, hummed insistently. She stayed voiceless, her gaze as vacant as a statue.
He cursed. Earlier that day, he'd adopted a human facade to stroll through the festival in the hazy afternoon sun, concealing his repugnance at the stale, spinning bodies, the pumping music and the nonsensical joviality of fools and drunkards. After tempting her from the crowd, he'd taken flight from the valley, hushing her screams with a growled command. Upon landing, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. And now... every time he waded into the snowy white blossoms, something repelled him.
The portal hidden beneath the hideous, concrete structure prodded at his mind, demanding his return so it could close. The soulless building had decimated its power to such an extent, it had taken immense effort to pass through. What if it never opened again?
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained empty, unseeing. The flowers trembled as if steeling their courage, their green stems wrapping even tighter around her slender calves. Their cloying aroma rose, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"You cannot have her, demon."
Another young woman stepped into the clearing from the trees. Small and slight, garbed in a flowing ivory gown, her auburn hair adorned with vines the same emerald colour as her eyes.
Of course. He should have known. "This doesn't concern you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment and begone."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be off mooning after Narcissus? Did that vapid excuse for a god ever return your love, or even notice you at all?"
She bit her lip, scuffing her bare feet in the grass. "Leave the girl alone."
"She is mine to do with as I will."
"The world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." Echo edged closer. "Humans reign supreme. We ancients are mythoi now, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is merely a pretty decoration to her. She cannot hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she belongs to me," he snarled. "I shall be her husband, her king."
"You will not. Your time as idol here is no more, just as your temple was destroyed millennia ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore atop my portal?"
She smirked. "Not the magnificent shrine of before, is it? I told you, your disciples are long gone. In truth, I never expected to see you again."
He leapt from the roof, flaring his wings to slow his descent. "I warn you, meddlesome nymph, if I cannot take a bride tonight, I will take blood instead."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He drew his broadsword. "Let's see if I can shake it."
Her resulting eye-roll infuriated him and he raised his blade to the heavens. She flicked her fingers and a howling gust of wind sent him skidding backwards. Pain ricocheted through him as he crashed into the concrete building with such force that jagged cracks shot from the base to the roof.
Something cold and smooth wrapped around his wrist and he hissed, grasping the stem with his other hand. Another flower burst from the earth and dragged his arm back down.
She marched over. "I swear, I will fight to my last breath before you take this girl or any other."
Infuriating wench. He'd rip her apart with his bare hands. Snapping his wings, he strained against his coiled bonds, to no avail. He balled his fists.
"I want a bride," he finally choked. "My last one died so long ago, I cannot remember her face. When I heard my symbol calling after so long, I wanted to weep. I am so alone, Echo."
Her stony gaze softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "I shall take good care of her, I swear. She'll want for nothing as queen of my realm. Let me take her."
"No."
"Why?" Because of your ridiculous vow to ensure only willing humans accompany me? This one came gladly."
"You cannot truly believe that."
He frowned, remembering the girl's apprehension when she realised he'd lured her away from her companions, her terror when she fled into the flowers. "I can make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. I know that better than anyone. I have an alternative solution, if you're prepared to listen."
He snorted. "Do I have a choice?"
"Would you take a nymph for a bride?"
His speechlessness amplified the alarmed rustling of the florae and the obliviously piping crickets. The distant sound of festival music drifted from the valley, while the human in the flowers remained motionless.
"I cannot permit you to take humans without consent," the nymph said quietly, "so I offer myself in their place. You wouldn't need to replace me, as immortals, our union would be everlasting-"
"You dislike me," he burst out. "You make that abundantly clear each time I visit."
Her tone turned dry. "Perhaps you'll grow tolerable, over time."
"I don't understand. If the humans have forgotten you, why do you continue to protect them?"
"Because I swore to do so." She raised her chin. "Although this world has changed beyond recognition, I am eternal and so is my word. This way, they are safe from you."
He exhaled slowly. "You've known me a long time, Echo. We've never been...cordial. I'm not the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A bemused grin tugged at his lips. "It would never be boring, would it?"
"I imagine it will be many things," she replied wryly, "but no. Not boring."
As the demon vanished into the night sky to return the human to her people, the flowers entwined themselves pleadingly around Echo. She disengaged herself gently.
"Well, my friends," she murmured. "It took a while, but someone finally noticed me."
Thank you for reading! To read my rather rambling thoughts on the process of writing the first draft, see underneath my bio at https://writerinmotion.com/WIMForum/index.php?topic=192.msg912#msg912
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I really like this. The dialogue is natural and really moves the story forward.
I love the line "Crouched on the roof of the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings towards the star-filled sky and studied his new bride." It really orients the reader to the characters and the setting.
Looking forward to reading the next draft.
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Interesting twist on the Beauty and the Beast trope! I especially liked the idea that the mortal woman got the tattoo without realizing its significance to the entity whose image she wore.
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I really like this. The dialogue is natural and really moves the story forward.
I love the line "Crouched on the roof of the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings towards the star-filled sky and studied his new bride." It really orients the reader to the characters and the setting.
Looking forward to reading the next draft.
Thank you! I lean towards dialogue as I find it easier than descriptions & imagery. Need to work on the latter for the next draft I think!
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Interesting twist on the Beauty and the Beast trope! I especially liked the idea that the mortal woman got the tattoo without realizing its significance to the entity whose image she wore.
Thank you! I do like learning the meaning behind peoples tattoos and it made me wonder what would happen if one had more significance than the wearer realised!
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I didn't know the mythology of Echo and Narcissus until I read your story. There's always been a special place in my heart for stories that teach me new things.
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I didn't know the mythology of Echo and Narcissus until I read your story. There's always been a special place in my heart for stories that teach me new things.
Thank you so much. I thought it would be nice to give her a (hopefully!) happy ending :heart:
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I love the use of mythology here, and Echo finally getting the spotlight due her! Great, solid first draft!
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I love the use of mythology here, and Echo finally getting the spotlight due her! Great, solid first draft!
Thank you! I?d love to increase the mythology element in the next draft but the pesky word limit is testing me! :D