Writer In Motion Forum

Having only limited experience with editors, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this round. I half-envisaged a quick "yes this is fine," maybe with a couple of notes on grammar. Instead I got an amazingly helpful, enthusiastic and encouraging email from Carly, with a document full of comments and suggested tracked changes.

She gave tons of helpful advice, particularly around getting more of a feel of Echo in terms of her reactions and background, and also how to make it clearer that Malthas is completely out of his depth in this new world. I've had a few issues this week as I'm working on a campsite with no signal, hence being late in posting this (sorry  ). But I've done my best to implement her suggestions in this final draft. I'm very very tempted to turn this into a full length novel - we shall have to see how it goes! Thank you so much Carly!
 

Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped amongst the flowers and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless in the mass of alabaster blossoms, empty as a statue. He squinted, suppressing an impatient growl while he tried to decipher what was wrong.

The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure, barely audible above the music and drunken laughter emanating from the mountain slope. He cursed. She'd clearly left her people to meet him, so why had she stopped moving? He couldn't reach her either. Every time he waded into the fragrant blooms, something repelled him.

"Come to me," he commanded sharply.

She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified to sickly-sweet levels and a jolt of recognition hit him. Sleeping potions used by his realm's healers had a similar scent. Were the flowers purposely keeping her consciousness at bay?

He ground his teeth. "Come to me."

"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.

Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. I should've known. Release my bride immediately."

"I will not."

"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"

Echo scowled, crossing her arms. "Mind your business."

He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. The last time you involved yourself in my affairs, you didn't make a word of sense. Now we can negotiate. What will it take for you to surrender her?"

"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She ignored his question, edging closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't know it calls you, or that it compelled her to come to your portal. Before I spelled her asleep, she was powerless and confused."

"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."

"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."

"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal? The paltry offerings inside offend me."

It was Echo's turn to smirk. "They're not offerings. They're souvenirs."

"Souvenirs?" He rolled the word on his tongue. "What does that mean?"

"It means your magnificent shrine is no more. It's a souvenir shop now, selling trinkets and baubles for hikers to commemorate their journeys. Badges, pencils, clothing with amusing motifs like 'King of the Hill' or 'Always on Top,' things like that."

"King of the Hill,'" he echoed blankly. "Is this a joke?"

She shook her head. "Your disciples are long gone too. I never expected to see you again."

Malthas leapt from the flat roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."

"You cannot harm me on my mountain."

"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."

She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his dropped sword.

"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."

White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."

The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."

"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."

"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."

"I will make her love me-"

"Love cannot be forced, Malthas." She bowed her head. "Trust me, I know."

A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She took a fleeting look behind her as if she'd heard something, then rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"

He blinked at her sudden agitation. "Alternative what?"

"Bride, of course," she replied, flicking another glance over her shoulder.

His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"

"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"

"I don't understand," he said slowly. "The humans have presumably forgotten you, as well as me.  Why do you continue to protect them?"

"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."

Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."

Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter." She avoided his gaze. "I was given time to surrender. I chose to conceal myself instead, but by helping the human, my presence is no longer veiled. A change of scenery would be...helpful."

"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."

"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."

A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."

"I am." She indicated his sword. "And you? Is being stabbed preferable to marrying me?"

Malthas grunted noncommittally, then pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."

Echo expelled a shaky breath, the tension in her shoulders loosening. At her signal, petals streamed from her flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her when she reaches her people."

The human jerked into motion behind the blossoms, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the shop. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous as she stole another look into the treeline.
He swept his gaze over her tense form. Was she worried about the humans coming to seek their missing companion? Unlikely. From the screeching laughter and irritatingly-loud music, the party continued unabated. No, it had to be this mysterious enemy making her jittery.

He quelled his curiosity. Questions could wait until they'd traversed the portal and were safe in his realm. She was right, this world had changed far too much for his liking.

His opinion was cemented when they entered the building. The gaudily-painted walls, the shelves of cheap, tawdry knick-knacks, the acrid smell of cleaning fluid and the general superficial ambience, it was enough to make anyone cringe. Even the merrily jangling bell above the door infuriated him, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire.

The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Echo's eyes widened as the spirals churned eagerly around her feet. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.

"I'm offering one final chance to change your mind," he said gruffly.

She shook her head. "This makes sense, for both of us. Let's go."

A mocking rap on the door made them both stiffen.

A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."

Echo froze. "Narcissus."

"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."

Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.

My self-edited draft - I rarely write short stories so found working to a 1000 word limit hard but also good editing practice. Still not 100% happy with it and it's definitely less short story now and more the start of something bigger  But in a nutshell I tried to:

* Tighten dialogue
* Improve descriptions (real weak point for me)
* Fight my nemeses: passive voice, filler words and adverbs
* Delve deeper into MC personalities & history
* Strengthen the Greek mythology link
* Completely change the ending?! 



Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass, bats darted overhead and the tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.

The portal to his realm pulsed beneath the concrete structure, anxious to seal shut. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.

"Come to me," he commanded.

She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.

He ground his teeth. "Come to me."

"Leave her be, demon."

Another young woman emerged from the treeline. Petite and barefoot, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn braid woven with vines.

Of course. Who else. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."

"I will not."

"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"

She crossed her arms. "Mind your business."

He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."

"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are mythoi, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."

"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."

"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."

"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"

It was her turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."

He leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."

"You cannot harm me on my mountain."

"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."

She didn't even flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Pain ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth. He wrenched sideways, a roar burning his throat as they bound his forearms.

"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."

"I want a bride!" He jerked against the restraints. "My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."

Her countenance softened. "I know."

"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."

"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."

"I will make her love me-"

"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."

A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take up my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"

He blinked. "Alternative what?"

"Bride, obviously."

His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"

"Certainly not," she retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"

"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"

"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal. Besides, a change of scenery might be nice."

Did she understand what she was offering? "We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."

"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."

A huffed chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."

She gestured at his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"

"Actually, no." He pursed his lips as distant strands of festival music drifted over them. Technically, he wouldn't be breaking any laws. He'd obeyed his emblem's call. Selecting an alternative bride wasn't illegal. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."

At her nod, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, marking a tumbling path down the mountainside.

"Guide her to safety," she instructed the blossoms. "Awaken her in the valley."

Arms outstretched and eyes glazed, the human jerked into motion, petals swirling around her. He barely noticed her departure, his attention locked on Echo as she exhaled shakily. Was she frightened? Regretful? Even relieved? He wasn't sure.

The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summery aroma soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it with a shy smile. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.

"Echo, are you here? That repulsive demon has returned..."

A man peeped around the door. A divinely beautiful man, whose splendour didn't match his peevish expression.

"Narcissus," Echo gasped, dropping Malthas' hand like a guilty child.

Peering into the gloom, the newcomer gaped. "Get away from her, brute!"

Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously the portal imploded, dragging Narcissus, shrieking, into the room.

As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If that preening god intended to steal his new bride, the fight was on.

Having never done WiM before, I had no idea how I would feel when I saw the prompt. Inspired or terrified? Well, a bit of both. Stunning mountains, beautiful flowers, gorgeous sky, but OMG that concrete building desperately needing a lick of paint ruined it for me. I work at a university renowned for its 'concrete beauty' - some of the original student residences are Grade II listed - but to me it's mainly stark, ugly and uninspiring.

My first action was to print the pic and write down everything that came into my head. I then took the dog for a walk and mused over it some more. I came up with a few ideas, but most were long and convoluted, full novel material, not short story. And most contained dragons (I mean look at that sky, it's crying out for a dragon!) but I'm already writing about those in another MS, so...

I came home from the walk and mused over a few gin and tonics. Then I went to bed and mused until I fell asleep, then woke up and mused some more, then finally realised what the problem was - that bloomin concrete building. Even though I didn't like it, for some reason I want it involved in the story. I keep getting this image of a woman standing in front of it, really NOT wanting to be there, but maybe, just maybe, it's exactly where she needs to be.

I've got the beginnings of an idea now, not 100% yet but it's brewing. I'm currently writing a fantasy novel and have enjoyed reading about folklore and mythology as part of my research. If I can combine some mystical mountain folklore with a derelict concrete monstrosity and a reluctant heroine, I might be able to get somewhere - assuming I can condense it into 1000 words!