Having never been a CP before, I was super nervous about this round. I needn't have worried though. I was matched with two fantastic people (thank you so much Blue and Sue!) who gave me kind, helpful and enthusiastic feedback, AND I got to critique their amazing stories too. I loved it!
So in response to feedback, I have:
- Used names more. As a dialogue-heavy piece, there is a lot of back and forth and therefore a lot of pronoun usage
- Tried to soften the transitions
- Added a bit more description in places although the word limit made that tricky
- Sorted out the roots after they tied Malthas up in the last draft then didn't release him, lol
- My girl Echo was a hit! but her motives were considered a bit weak, which I completely agree with (again, a word limit issue for me). So I gave her more motivation for leaving, which meant...
- I've changed the ending again
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.
The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.
Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
Echo crossed her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"
It was Echo's turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."
Malthas leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his sword.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, obviously."
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."
Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."
Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me. A change of scenery would be...helpful."
"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
Echo indicated his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"
"Actually, no." Malthas pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "I accept your proposition."
At Echo's signal, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her in the valley."
The human jerked into motion, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the house. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous.
The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
A mocking tap on the door made them both stiffen.
A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."
Echo froze. "Narcissus."
"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.
Topic: The Bride (3rd draft after CP feedback) (Read 598 times)