Writer In Motion Forum

 Well this last week was an adventure! I have never been a critique partner for anyone before so I was a bit nervous that I would let down my CP's and be able to give them any good critiques. So I tried to do a bit of research and read what other folks have said about being a good critique partner and how to make sure you give helpful, useful advice. So I read each piece several times, taking a few notes each time.Reading each story to make sure it made sense to me and that I could easily follow along with what the writer intent was. I also tried to be as honest as I could about the language used and if it was believable.

 Both Olivier and Jennifer, gave me some incredible advice and feedback which I have tried to incorporate into my piece. I found that I needed to clear up several grammatical issues and a find a new spell checker. This whole experience has shown me how much I enjoy writing fiction and that I hope to continue this piece to its conclusion.

 Using the feedback from my CP's here is Beyond Earth, draft three-ish. I have learned invaluable lessons and I will be forever grateful to both of my CP's. I hope you enjoy the story and I am looking forward to seeing what the editor has to say, well nervous excited!

The alert came down the line, a sound had been heard,  almost inaudibable but when someone hears a noise we all stop, we hold our breath, wait but then we all heard it. CRASH
The room became so quite you could hear everyone breathing, everyone was so still, almost as if a statue, frozen in time.   I held my breath, clenching my hand into fists so tight they ached but theaction had kept me alert, the pain had kept me alive before. We were all on alert now.
THUD!
They were trying to find a way into the building, you could hear the wood splinter as they tried to find thier way inside. Looking for anyway in, we could hear the glass of the windows on the top floor shatter, hopefully the bars held. We all waited, holding our breath , our lungs ached, begging for air but we dare not breath in, they may hear that small, almost inaudiable sound and find us, crouched here, behind this door, these screens. They may find our small hole in the floor, then the door, dug out a millenia ago for something called a bunker. This "bunker" has kept us safe for years, and those before, it'll hold.
 "It'll hold" I whisper. More to assure myself,  not even sure if anyone else can hear me. "Its held this long, " I contunied on with  more confidence then I was  feeling " and we cant hold our breaths forever. Just stay still and stay on gaurd! "
 Without any warning the blast door to our under ground world started to shake, they had found it! It was like something was on the other side, like they were violently ratteling the steel  door, like they could grab the bars and hold it with hands, hands they did not posses but somehow thye could use those hands to shred us to pieces. They had never made it this far inside the maze that was our safe place, our sanctuary, our home. We all creeped closer to the door, our weapons held on gaurd and although my hands were sore and wet from clenching them so tightly, I held onto my knife like it was an extension of my hand. If they happen to make into the bunker we were thte first line of defence, gving the runmers time to warn the others in the lower levels. They could help the others escape out of the tunnels near the back of the cave, a system that the bunkers had been built in long ago had many secrets. We had played in those tunnels as children, learning to hide and seek, shoot arrows at lizards and giant spiders, learning accuracy with slingshots, not knowing those skills we were using as kids would save our lives or  that those tunnels were our lifeline to the outside.
 "Reece, I can hear you breathing, shhh little one, calm yourself. We'll be okay!" I said this with a calmness I did not feel, a confidence I was trying to give off so the others would feel a sense of safety, if thier team leader were afraid, then they would all run and we would absolutly fucked.
"But they can hear us Rey! They're right here!" R'ece declared with the fear we all felt.
"ENOUGH!" I sdeclared as loud as I dared, knowing they were right outside our blast door, knowing that although there was 5 feet or more of steel between us ,they still were made those doors move, so we needed to be prepared but it just made it all the more terrifying. Seeing the strength they must possess, I never thought anything could damage those doors, they have held up through a meteor and war with other surviving colonies over the years but this, we may not survive this.
 Without any sound or warning the doors came crashing in, shards of steel flooded the room. The sound was deafening, almost beyond comprehension or discription it was horror.
 For a few brief seconds I could not figure out what had happened, what has blown through our inpenetrable blast doors, what beasts await us, what horrors are we to fight so we can survive.
 I heard K'don yell a command that sent the runners on thier mission, they were gone before I could scan the room, they were the fastest of us all.
"Boss, BOSS! Lets's go! We have to get moving, now!!" K'don grabbed my arm and pulled me as hard as he could up off the floor. I had been close to doors when they had blown and I was thrown across the room, into a wall and although i was starting to see the carnage infront of me I was still to dazed to call for any actions.
  "To the tunnels!"

"Everyone, retreat!" I could hear the words as they ran through my team like water over stone, without a word those that could grabbed the injured and headed for the second line, desperatley hoping that they were ready to defend, but who could be ready for what came through those door.
 Slashing seemed to make little differnce the the creature it continued its brutal attack. I called for the archers as we retreated down the tunnels. "Ready? Release!...then run!!!" I stgammed as K'don half dragged half carried me down into the darkness. These things, these creatures, these animals that now owned the surfuce survived best in the light and we humans have become so accustomed to the dark that the further we ran into our tunnels, the stronger and safer we felt. Our defences are strongest in pitch of night, when there is no light too guide your eyes, we have adapted to use this as 'second sight' as we call it, they surface has not.