Writer In Motion Forum

Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Tenn

Pages: [1]
1
Week 4 posts / The Confrontation Draft 4 (Editor Edit)
« on: August 08, 2021, 12:43:03 AM »
Final draft time! It's been a lovely journey. Thanks again to my CPs, and thanks to my editor. Their feedback not only made the story better but will also affect my future writing. I don't usually go for picture prompts, which was the first hurdle in this activity. I finally settled on using characters from a previous sort story and the second hurdle became finding a way to incorporate the image in their story/world. The third hurdle was essentially making the world "smaller" so that the story was bogged down by unanswered questions (the hardest thing). This is the hurdle that caused me to trip. I tumbled over and rolled straight into the fourth hurdle: deciding which questions to answer, which to remove, and which to leave as-is, all in 1000 words. Hopefully this draft flows better and is more comprehensive.

Samira didn?t have a solid plan for confronting the boy she?d almost killed, but a malleable plan was a plan, nonetheless. Negotiate, intimidate, evacuate. The supposed victim had spent the last two weeks inundating her inbox with what looked like security camera stills of the incident. With no electricity in the abandoned building, it could only mean that he?d had an accomplice―which neither she nor Enya had anticipated when they?d lured him there. They?d assumed he worked alone. Now there was another person they needed to keep quiet. If those images leaked, they?d either face four months of magical probation in Elemental court or be punished for their mere existence in Ordinary court.
   The brown-bricked library came into view. Ordinary students leaned lazily on the white stone columns that framed the front of the building. The summer heat beat down on her back and she resisted the urge to stir up a little wind to cool herself and Enya. Since elemental interference was forbidden off school grounds, it would only draw more attention to themselves. They were already being given curious looks just by being new faces in this part of town so Enya?s idea to change out of their uniforms was paying off to some degree. Had they done it Samira?s way, they?d probably be stoned before even setting foot on the pavement. Samira tossed a few braids over her shoulder defiantly, mentally cursing herself for agreeing to meet so far away from campus.
   They navigated through the looks and headed straight for the study rooms along a quiet corridor in the basement. The silence brought flashbacks of the wretched day Enya had gone along with Samira?s plan of starting an elemental fire in one of their school?s abandoned training buildings hoping the braggadocious, self-proclaimed vigilante would turn up. Samira had nearly suffocated him out of anger when he?d refused to give up the names of other vigilantes. Now she would face the prick again. She flexed her fingers and released a breath.
They found him in the fifth room sitting at a table with someone wearing a black hoodie. No doubt the accomplice.
   Samira pushed open the door and strode in, while Enya entered behind her like a mouse, the door closing with a soft click. When Samira plopped down next to the accomplice, he stood immediately and moved to a cushioned chair in the corner, jaw clenched as he glared at her.
   ?Welcome,? their host said, a bemused smile on his face, his dark eyes twinkling mischievously under his thick eyebrows.
   Samira rolled her eyes. ?Spare me. Let?s get straight to it: stop trying to blackmail me and I won?t tell the police what really happened.?
   His brow furrowed and he took a sip of his bottled water. ?What really happened is you attacked me, so---?
   ?You came after us,? she retorted. ?And you entered a Neelstem Academy building, so―?
   ?Well, now you?re on our turf, so I?d cool it with the attitude,? his friend chimed in, glowering.
   ?Or what?? she challenged, raising an eyebrow. Adrenaline shot through her veins as her irritation built. Enya, standing behind her, rested a calming hand on her shoulder. ?And you people have no turf.?
   ?You people?? the accomplice seethed, balling his fists. ?Rams, handle her before I do.?
   ?Handle me???
   ?Alright, guys! Chill out. Ash, we?re just here for a deal,? Rams interrupted. He turned back to Samira, leaning back in his chair and running a hand through his black hair. The shaved sides made him even more irritating. ?What?ve you got.?
   ?I told you. Stop blackmailing me, I won?t turn you in.?
   He narrowed his eyes, and a wry smile played at his lips. ?You tried to kill me, and you think I?m the one in the wrong.?
   ?Yes! Your whole vigilante act is illegal. And I wasn?t trying to kill you??
   ?Oh, so murder just comes naturally??
?That?s all their people know how to do,? the friend cut in, his words searing through Samira like elemental flames. Samira sprang from the chair, which clattered to the floor behind her. Ash rose and moved toward her, and Rams scrambled to stand between them, begging his friend to calm down.
?You think because you?re an Elemental you?re untouchable??
?Come at me and find out!? she taunted. Enya prodded her to leave, but Samira refused. ?I?m not leaving because this weak Ordinary,? she soaked the word in all the disdain of generations past, ?has a superiority complex.?
Ash shoved past Rams and lunged at her.
Samira had only seen Enya?s hand rise for a fraction of a second. A burst of flames erupted on the left side of Ash?s face. He staggered back, letting out an agonized bray as he clutched his face. Rams grabbed Enya?s arm and with a scream, she bucked and convulsed as if electrocuted.
Ash?s skin bubbled sickeningly from the elemental heat, and finally, Samira?s brain clicked into action. Damage control. She stepped toward him; palms upturned. She breathed deeply and concentrated. Pulling on the air as hard as she could, she watched the flame flicker into nothingness as it lost its fuel, and his eyes drooped as his body, too, suffered a loss of oxygen. Once the last of the flames went out, she forced the energy back toward him, a cooling wind that saw a thick white curtain of smoke wisping between his fingers.
Ash whimpered. Rams stared at him wide-eyed.
Enya gawped apprehensively at the back of Rams? head; a thin black bruise striped up her arm.
Samira dropped her hand at her side.
What had they done?
The silence that followed indicated that no one upstairs was aware of what had just happened. Yet the face of the boy standing across from her, which could barely qualify as such anymore, was a blatant sign of disaster. It was clearly an elemental injury.
They were strange faces, outnumbered by Ordinaries, and would need to leave.
And no one was on their side.


2
Week 3 posts / The Confrontation
« on: August 01, 2021, 03:15:28 AM »
What a ride. I usually pass my stories on to friends and family for feedback, which worked because they'd rip me to shreds with comments and questions. I was concerned that because WIM pairs strangers, politeness would outweigh true thoughts. That was not the case, and I'm so glad for that!  ;D Thank you to my CPs, Steph Whitaker and dextermain. Your feedback, questions, comments, corrections were great! You've actually helped me flesh out this world and characters a little more. Still have a few things I could work on explaining. I'll see if I can adjust that in the rest of the time.


Samira didn?t have a solid plan for confronting the boy she?d almost killed, but a malleable plan was a plan, nonetheless. The summer heat beat down on her back and she resisted the urge to stir up a little wind to cool herself and her friend, Enya, who walked alongside her. If either of them even thought of ?interfering with the elements? off school grounds, the Ordinary Police Force would be on them faster than they could blink, which would only compound matters.
She?d managed to convince the delinquent to meet her in order to rectify the situation. After she?d nearly killed him two weeks ago in an abandoned building, he?d spent the last few weeks inundating her inbox with what looked like security camera stills of the incident. With no electricity in the building, it meant he?d had an accomplice. Thus, adding another person who she and Enya needed to keep quiet. If the images leaked, they would face either the Elemental or the Ordinary court, and Samira didn?t know which was worse. In one court, she would most likely be put on magical probation for four months (even on school grounds)―though if her parents got to her first, she?d be on the next redeye to a wilderness boarding school in the Caribbean. And in the other, guilty until proven innocent and punishment for merely existing was the standard for elemental offenders.
The brown-bricked library came into view, Ordinary students leaning lazily on the white stone columns that framed the front of the building. It was right across from the boy?s school, and students were sprawled all across the lawn, some of whom gave them curious looks as they made their way up the stone walkway. Samira tossed a few braids over her shoulder defiantly, mentally biting her tongue. Enya?s (ever on protective defense) idea to change out of their uniforms was paying off. Had they done it Samira?s way, they?d probably be stoned before even setting foot on the pavement. She inwardly cursed herself for agreeing to meet so far away from their own campus as they navigated through the weird looks and headed straight for the study rooms along a quiet corridor in the basement.
Enya fiddled with her bracelet as they searched for their host. They found him in the fifth room, sitting at a table with someone wearing a black hoodie. No doubt his accomplice.
Samira pushed open the door and strode in, while Enya entered behind her like a mouse, the door closing with a soft click. When Samira plopped down next to the accomplice, he stood up immediately and moved to a cushioned chair in the corner, jaw clenched as he glared at her.
?Welcome,? their host said, a bemused smile spread across his face, his dark eyes twinkling mischievously under his thick eyebrows.
Samira rolled her eyes. ?Spare me. Let?s get straight to it: stop trying to blackmail me, and I won?t tell your police what really happened.?
His brow furrowed and he took a sip of his bottled water. ?What really happened is you attacked me, so―?
?Let me remind you that we were in a Neelstem Academy building,? Samira retorted. ?Abandoned or not.?
?And now you?re in our building, so I?d cool it with the attitude,? his friend chimed in, glowering.
?Or what?? she challenged, raising an eyebrow. Adrenaline shot through her veins as her irritation built. Enya, standing behind her, rested a hand on her shoulder. ?And this is a public space, despite what you people feel.?
?You people? Rams, handle her before I do,? the accomplice seethed, balling his fists.
?Handle me??
?Okay, relax. Ash, we?re here for a deal. Chill out.? Rams said. He turned to Samira, leaning back in his chair and running a hand through is black hair. The shaved sides made him even more irritating to her. ?What?ve you got??
?I told you. Stop blackmailing me, and I won?t turn you in.?
His dark eyes narrowed. ?You tried to kill me, and you think I?m the one in the wrong??
?I wasn?t trying to kill you, I―?
?Oh, so murder just comes naturally??
?That?s all their people know how to do,? Ash cut in, his words searing through Sam like elemental flames. She stood and the chair clattered to the floor behind her. He rose from his corner seat and Rams scrambled to stand between them, begging his friend to calm down. The insults flew. Enya prodded her to leave, but Samira refused. Why should she be cowed by someone inferior? Ash pushed past Rams and lunged at her.
Samira had only seen Enya?s hand rise for a fraction of a second. A burst of flames erupted on the left side of Ash?s face. He staggered back, letting out an agonized bray as he clutched his face. Rams grabbed Enya?s arm and she dropped to the ground with a scream.
The boy?s skin bubbled sickeningly from the elemental heat. Samira?s brain clicked into action. Damage control. She stepped toward him; palms upturned. She breathed deeply and concentrated. Pulling on the air as hard as she could, she watched the flame flicker into nothingness as it lost its fuel, and his eyes drooped as his body, too, suffered a loss of oxygen. Once the last of the flames went out, she forced the energy back toward him, a cooling wind that saw a thick white curtain of smoke wisping between his fingers.
He whimpered. Rams stared at him wide-eyed. Enya lay on the ground, unconscious, a thin black bruise striped up her arm.
Samira dropped her hand at her side.
What had they done?
The silence that followed indicated that no one upstairs was aware of what had just happened. Yet the face of the boy standing across from her, which could barely qualify as such anymore, was a blatant sign of disaster. It was clearly an elemental injury.
They were outnumbered by Ordinaries, and they would have to leave.
And no one was on their side.

3
Week 2 posts / Tenn's Second Draft
« on: July 24, 2021, 04:24:44 AM »
Sam didn?t have a solid plan for confronting the boy she?d almost killed, but a malleable plan was a plan, nonetheless. The summer heat beat down on her back and she resisted the urge to stir up a little wind to cool herself and her friend, Enya, who was speed walking alongside her. If either of them even thought of ?interfering with the elements? off school grounds, even to help themselves, they?d be arrested faster than they could blink.

She?d managed to convince the delinquent, who she only knew by screenname, to meet her in order to rectify the situation. She?d nearly killed him a month ago in one of their school's abandoned training buildings. Whether they'd lured him there was of no importance. He'd shown up with clear intentions to harm, and things had gotten out of hand on her part. Enya had saved him and they'd left him there, afterwhich Enya had refused to speak to her for days. He resurfaced online two weeks ago, inundating her inbox with what looked like security camera stills of the incident. With no electricity in the building, it could only mean that he?d had an accomplice. Thus, adding another person who knew about it, and who she and Enya would need to keep quiet. If the images were leaked, they could end up facing either the Ordinary court or the Elemental court, and Sam didn?t know which was worse.

The brick library came into view, and she cursed herself for agreeing to meet so far away from campus. The library was right across from the boy?s school, and was teeming with students, some of whom gave them curious looks as they made their way up the stone walkway. Enya?s idea of changing out of their uniforms was paying off. Had they done it Sam?s way, they?d probably be stoned before even setting foot on the pavement. They headed straight for the study rooms along a quiet corridor on the ground floor. Enya fiddled with her bracelet and they walked along the corridor of empty rooms, looking for their host. In the fifth room, they saw him sitting at a table with someone in a black hoodie. No doubt that was the accomplice.

Sam pushed open the door and plopped down next to the accomplice, who stood up immediately and moved to a cushioned chair in the corner, a sour look on his face. Enya entered the room like a mouse, the door closing with a soft click behind her.
?Welcome,? the boy said, a bemused smile spread across his face.
"Hello," Enya replied, smiling. "Glad to see you're well."
"Thanks to you."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Okay. Spare me. Let?s get straight to it: stop trying to blackmail me, and I won?t tell your police what really happened.?
His brow furrowed and he took a sip of his bottled water. ?What really happened is you attacked me, so―"
?You were on our territory,? Sam shot back. ?Let me remind you that you entered a Neelstem Academy building.?
?And now you?re on our turf, so I?d cool it with the attitude,? his friend chimed in, glowering.
?Or what?? she challenged, raising an eyebrow. Adrenaline shot through her veins as her irritation built. Enya, standing behind her, rested a calming hand on her shoulder.
?Rams, handle her before I do.?
?Handle me??
?Okay, relax. Ash, we?re here for a deal. Chill out.? Rams―apparently―said. He turned back to Sam, leaning back in his chair. ?What?ve you got??
?I told you. Stop blackmailing me, and I won?t turn you in.?
He thought for a moment, then his dark eyes narrowed. ?You tried to kill me and you think I?m the one in the wrong??
?I wasn?t trying to kill you, I―?
?Oh, so murder just comes naturally.?
?That?s all their people know how to do,? Ash cut in, his words slicing through Sam like a knife. She stood up and the chair clattered to the floor behind her. He rose from his corner seat and Rams scrambled from his seat to stand between them, begging his friend to calm down. The insults began flying. Enya was pulling her to leave, and Sam refused. Why should she be cowed down by someone who was inferior? Ash pushed past Rams and lunged at her, a glint of metal in his hand. Sam had only seen Enya?s hand rise for a fraction of a second before a burst of flames erupted on the left side of Ash's face, and he staggered back, letting out an agonizing bray as he brought his hands to his face. Rams grabbed Enya?s arm and she instantly dropped to the ground, screaming and writhing.

The boy?s skin bubbled from the elemental heat, and he screamed in agony with his hands covering over his face. Sam?s brain clicked into action, and she stepped toward him, palms upturned. She breathed deeply and concentrated. She pulled on the air as hard as she could, watching the flame flicker into nothingness as it lost its oxygen, and his eyes droop as his body, too, suffered the loss. Once the last of the flames went out, she forced the energy back toward him, a cooling wind that saw a thick white curtain of smoke wisping from between his fingers. He was now whimpering. Rams was staring at him wide-eyed. Enya was still on the ground, unconscious, a thin black bruise traveling up her arm.
Sam dropped her hand at her side.

She?d only made things worse.
Mission failed.
There were deep in Ordinary territory with no one else to defend them.
What had they done?


Shorter, but essentially the same. Something's missing but I can't tell what it is.

4
Week 1 posts / Tenn's First Draft
« on: July 15, 2021, 09:01:30 AM »
I don't use picture prompts often (they feel more constricting than worded prompts somehow), so this was a challenge for me. Hammered it out in a hour or so, and have been sitting on it for days. I had to distract myself to keep myself from editing it. :'( But, anyway, I wrote a thing. Here goes:


Skipping school, whether it was for the last fifteen minutes of class, was a punishable offence in the Araceli household, so it was imperative that Samira?s escape went flawlessly. After shuffling along walls to remain in the blind spot of cameras with Enya close behind her, they were finally speed walking away from the campus with urgent purpose. Though they'd changed out of their uniforms into plain clothes, Enya was still tossing furtive looks over her shoulder.
?Would you relax? You acting nervous is gonna make us look suspicious,? Samira chided as they bent a corner.
Enya scoffed and looked over her shoulder again. ?Excuse me if I'm not an expert delinquent.?
Samira shook her head and reminded herself that she needed Enya with her. School rules dictated that students travel in pairs with either their Balancer or Enabler, and since Hudson knew nothing about what had happened, she was stuck with Enya. Even though they?ve been paired Enablers for three years straight, Samira still hadn?t gotten used to Enya?s passiveness and fear of confrontation. Which were two things that would see to the failure of today?s plan.
They stopped in at the library across the street from Hopewell High, planting themselves at one of the wide panel windows with full view of the school. The air conditioning, clearly set to Arctic Circle, forced Samira to slip on the windbreaker tied around her waist. At the sound of the bell, they both looked over at the building and waited. After fifteen minutes, Enya?s nerves were getting the better of her, much to Samira?s annoyance.
Forty minutes later, Enya muttered, ?He probably has practice of some sort. We?re probably not gonna see him.?
?That guy? He doesn?t look like he practices anything but being a public nuisance.?
Enya fell silent and kept watch. Most of the students had left and only small groups remained.
Internally, Samira hoped her friend wasn?t right. She'd skipped school just to confront this guy. Make him back off. And it?d better be worth it. She didn?t even know his real name. She only knew him by screen name, which she and Enya had used to track him down two weeks ago. She'd almost killed him in an abandoned building and now he was―she was certain it was him―trying to intimidate her with a video of the incident. There wasn?t even supposed to be electricity there, which meant he had to have had an accomplice.
?Is that him?? Enya perked up, pointing at two boys standing near the letter sign. One was thin and tall, wearing a black hoodie and denim; the other was of equal height, wearing a white sweatshirt and a smug grin.
?Yeah, that?s the prick,? Samira agreed. Enya began fiddling with her bracelet and grabbed her hand to leave before she changed her mind. It had taken way too long to even convince her to come along. No way was she missing this opportunity. She did her best to ignore the dirty looks they received upon leaving the library. Following white sweatshirt and his friend would have been less stressful had some Ordinary people not gone out of their way to hurl insults at them, making the boys occasionally look back. Samira ignored Enya?s requests for her to remove her windbreaker, which was embossed with the school label. ?They can kiss my ass.?
They trailed the boys to a deli called Deli Shus and waited for a few minutes under the awning of a laundromat across the street, watching until the boys sat with their sandwiches. It was now or never. Samira strode across the street and straight into the deli, then took the empty seat next to sweatshirt.
?The hell??
?Oh, you?ve got to be fucking kidding me!? white shirt exclaimed.
?No, you?ve got to be kidding me! You think you can blackmail me??
?Blac---Wait, Rams, is this psycho air chick?? his friend chortled, learning sideways to get a better look.
Rams―apparently― grinned. ?I don?t know what you?re talking about, miss.?
Enya entered the deli and took a seat at the next table, nervously looking around at the empty shop.
Samira charged on, ignoring the psycho comment for the time being. ?Listen, your little video won?t change the fact that you came at us first.?
?And where?s your evidence to prove that?? Rams challenged, unwrapping his sandwich carefully.
Samira thought for a moment. He had her. But she wouldn?t be cowed down. She couldn?t let an ordinary see her sweat. ?Do you think I'm scared of you??
?You should be. You're on our turf acting tough,? the friend chimed in, while Rams?s mouth only curved into a smirk that only served to irritate her even further.
She spun on the friend. ?How about you shut the hell up and mind your business??
?Or what?? he challenged, standing. Samira stood as well, not to be outdone.
Rams scrambled from his seat at the window and stood between them, begging his friend to calm down. The insults began flying. Enya was at her side now, prodding her to leave. The owner was making her way from the sandwich station at the far end. Before she?d realized, the friend had pushed past Rams and was reaching toward her. Samira had only seen Enya?s hand rise for a fraction of a second. A burst of flames suddenly erupted on the left side of his face, and he staggered back, letting out an agonizing bray as he clutched his face. Rams grabbed Enya?s arm and she instantly dropped to the ground, screaming.
Samira was, for the first time, frozen.
The boy was pouring his coke onto his face, which was bubbling from the elemental heat, and the owner had retreated to cower under the bar seating. Finally, her brain clicked into action, and she stepped toward him, palms upturned. She breathed deeply and concentrated. She pulled on the air as hard as she could, watching the flame flicker into nothingness as it lost its oxygen. Once the last of the flame went out, she forced the energy back toward him, a cooling wind that saw a thick white curtain of smoke wisping from between his fingers, still planted on his face. He was now whimpering. Ramsy was staring at him wide-eyed; Enya was on the ground, a thin black bruise traveling up her arm. Samira dropped her hand at her side.
What had they done?

Pages: [1]