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Author Topic: Draft 2 - Welcome Home  (Read 735 times)

Fabierien

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Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« on: November 13, 2019, 06:44:12 PM »
    Carle?s father had been top of his class, a pilot able to navigate the fiercest wind. When the Emperor?s call came, he had signed up without hesitation. That was eleven years ago, she had been six. She remembered his smile most fondly, it could warm an entire room. It made her feel safe.
She searched the crumbled letter in her hand, it was torn in places where her tears had worn through. He was coming home, would be home before the early light. She fought to control the sob that threatened her again. Carle?s eyes flicked to the clock on the other side of the control room. Very soon! She was on her feet, her chair clattering on the floor behind her.

    She dashed out of the room, willing her legs to move faster. They began to burn as she turned from one empty hallway to the next. Down corridors lit by pools of light pouring from caged lanterns on the wall. Their town was so small they would be missed without the signal. Another corner, another empty hall. Finally she saw it by the door, where it always had been. Her heart pounded in her ears as she begged her legs to carry her faster. As she neared she slid on one leg stopping in front of the trunk.

    EMERGENCY ONLY. It read in bright red letters. The war was over, their fathers and brothers were coming home. Obviously this counted. She threw open the chest and started throwing supplies over her shoulder. Where was the flare? It was supposed to be here. A radiation suit went over her head, followed by some sort of canned meat. Finally at the bottom she found the flare and snatched it up.

    Grasping the flare in her hand she burst through the door and out on to the landing grounds. The wind whipped her hair about, her eyes searched the darkness of the morning sky. Where were they? Minutes ground by like frozen molasses. Finally, in the distance she saw them, blinking lights of the Zeppelin?s coming home. They were off course.

    Her father would be piloting the lead ship, she had to get him home. She rushed to the tower as the edge of the fields. Round and round she ran up the stairwell. Her legs begging her to stop, her adrenaline telling them to quiet their protests. Rushing on to the platform she struck the flare, its light nearly blindingly bright. She wrapped one arm around the center post and swung out over the field the flare blaring into the sky.

    The wind tore at her driving her head down and away. She would not let her arm fall. As she looked back she saw other flares along the valley come alive. More people had seen, more had come to guide them home. They had done right by putting her at the outpost. A smile went from ear to ear as she turned back to the wind and yelled.

    ?WELCOME HOME PAPA!?

    The wind grew bolder and drove against her harder. Head lowered again she eeked out. ?Welcome Home everyone.?

    Carle held her arm out for an hour in defiance of all, her flare long burnt out. Pain shot up her arm as the fleet grew closer. The sun began to penetrate the skyline and lighten the air. She let her arm fall to her side. They should be able to see now, as she could see them.
There were so many. She began to count and quickly stopped. There were too many. The Emperor never had a fleet that size. The message had not been coded correctly but it had said they were coming. Who else would have had the frequency?

    As they approached it was obvious they had sighted the town. Her home. They began to turn broadside. The sigil of the emperor was not upon their bow but the blue and gold of the mages. They crossed the threshold of the town. She watched as the bombs fell and the flames began to rise with chorus with the screams. Her home, her friends, her family all burned. Tears poured from her eyes at the horror. Soon the ships turned to her and she burned with them.

Fabierien

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Re: Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2019, 06:48:47 PM »
So draft 2 I pantsed my butt off which is really not like me. This lead me to rewrite this something like 6 times. I have chewed on this one in the back of my head for over a week. Which seems like a long considering it is just 709 words. I am still not sure I like it better than the 1st.

My goal was to expand on the world a little bit by throwing in small details. I really wanted to open up and explore Carle's relationship with her father. I wanted it to make sense why she did what it did. I also felt there needed to be a reason why she would think they could not find their way home.

I hope I managed  to convey all of that without losing the tension I had in the original.


R. Pelham Hern
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Grim Dreamer

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Re: Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 03:40:40 AM »
I liked it!

Thuy

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Re: Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 05:56:57 AM »
I loved the details you added to expand the world and convey how much she misses her papa. The image of her tears wearing through his letter was especially lovely. The tension is definitely still there, and I'm in awe of the fact that this is only 709 words long. It's a punch of a story!

Fabierien

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Re: Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 04:56:00 PM »
I loved the details you added to expand the world and convey how much she misses her papa. The image of her tears wearing through his letter was especially lovely. The tension is definitely still there, and I'm in awe of the fact that this is only 709 words long. It's a punch of a story!

To be honest I am pretty amazed at the word count as well. Though I feel like it is a complete story. I will say there is a pretty gaping plot hole in it right now that I have to figure out how to fill. I knew it was there and Grim called me out on it. My thinly applied veneer did not deter her keen sight.

kassamarandra

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Re: Draft 2 - Welcome Home
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2019, 06:43:41 PM »
It is really interesting we ended up with similar concepts and titles, and completely different tones. I liked your story, well done!