Writer In Motion Forum

First off, huge thank you to my CPs: Sandy Roffey, Rebecca Fryar and Arianna Townsend. They gave so much great feedback and caught my atrocious comma usage  . 

One thing I always remind myself of when getting critiques is that I won't always agree with them, does it mean they're wrong? Definitely not. Does it mean you have to accept them and change your work to fit their ideas? Also definitely not. That's the thing with critiques, they're subjective, you don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or doesn't fit your vision for the story.

That being said, I got amazing feedback and took just about all of it to add some deliciousness to this story. One thing everyone agreed one was give more world-building and insight into Nadia's head. I think (hope!) I did just that. I also clarified a few things that were confusing. BUT all this now has me over word count! So I'll be spending next week with my writing BFF figuring out what I can cut or simply to get me back under 1k. It's only about 140 words, that should be easy right?!

---

Nadia trudged up the staircase, bare feet stinging from the chilled metal. Her back ached from another restless sleep on the cots in the barracks. Nadia stifled a yawn with her poncho, the only garment she owned  that could brace her for the cold of the tower in the mornings. It was her duty to watch from dawn until dusk every day. For how long and for what? The council never said. Just to watch and light the flare if she saw anything. She had a feeling they were waiting for something or someone to come or to return, but there was no point in asking. They'd just tell her to do her job.

She nudged the tower door open, the biting air smacking her face and pushing any sleep from her bones. Anton leaned against the old pole on the roof, his lanky frame stock still as she padded over softly. He was basking like a lizard in the sunlight beginning to peak over the horizon. At least he was allotted a wool blanket to ward off the frigid temperatures during the night.

From atop the tower Nadia could see all of the compound: the barracks, the school, the fields, the wall, and of course, the waste. Beyond the barbed wire topped high walls the vast, dark land of poison and nightmares. The things that grew there were gnarled and misshapen. Sometimes, on the days when the clouds hung heavy in the sky, you could see animals walking among the bushes and trees that managed to spring forth. They didn't look like the chickens, pigs and sheep that roamed the compound freely. Their bodies were choked with odd growths and their skin was sensitive to the light. She'd only ever seen one up close, after it had been killed attacking the walls.

Today, however, the sun illuminated all the nooks and crannies. Nothing would be out wandering beneath its gleaming light. Nadia sighed as she plopped down beside Anton and wrapped her poncho tightly around her, steam escaping her lips as she exhaled.

"Anything interesting?" She knew there wouldn't be, but she asked anyway.

"No. Quiet and dark. And damn cold." His words plumed before him in white clouds as he rubbed his hands furiously.

Anton stood and patted her shoulder before trotting to the door. Now he could warm up after spending a long night on the tower. Nadia huddled beneath her poncho, the wool scratching the tops of her feet as she hugged them close. Another day, watching for nothing. At least it was an easy job, she didn't have to shear wool or harvest crops. She usually spent her time daydreaming of far off places, places perfect and untouched by whatever had eaten the earth. When she dreamed it was of being able to leave the compound. She would find a beautiful oasis, with fresh clean water and green trees stretching towards the clouds. The plants would be safe to eat and birds would sing to her from the branches. But no one ever left, or at least it hadn't been recorded in the memory book as happening recently. Leaving the compound was a death sentence according to the council. What else could have happened to all those who had dared to leave the safety of the walls for greener pastures or who ventured outside them for any reason at all?

The day stretched on and as the high sun beat down on the stone of the tower, Nadia stretched out languidly. She occasionally tilted her head to look out over the waste, but there was nothing interesting to watch today. Instead, she looked towards the sky. Sometimes there would be birds, and on days when there weren't, she would make shapes and stories about the clouds. Anything to break the monotony of watching the bleak landscape. With the warmth of the sun above and the heated stone below, she drifted to sleep. Her eyes fluttered as she dreamed of perfect grassy plains filled with the animals she?d seen in picture books.

When she finally woke it was to high peals of laughter from the children below. School was over and the children were running amok before their parents wrangled them in for chores. Even they got to have more fun than she did, sitting up on the tower all day to die of boredom. Nadia turned her attention from them to the waste and the distant black forest covering the horizon. Once again, there was nothing to be seen. Anton wasn't due to return until dusk, so she had several more hours to wait for him to take over. She swung her feet over the edge and tapped the stone with her heels, continuing to stare out. Her heels tapping a beat to a song in her head, anything to keep herself occupied.

It was then a glint caught her eye. Something was catching the light, a piece of metal or a mirror caught in the branch. She studied it curiously, her heart beating faster. There had never been anything like that before. The random glittering turned into steady patterned flashes. Nadia jumped to her feet, hand over her eyes to get a better look. It was still there; she wasn't imagining it. She watched it for several more minutes, wondering what it could be. Just a piece of mirror left by a bird? A message? And if it was a message who was sending it? No one was supposed to be out there. They?d been told it was just their compound that had survived the decimation, their high walls and bunkers had kept them protected. But could it be? Nadia hoped wistfully.

"Please." She murmured as the light suddenly stopped.

Then there was movement. At first it looked like parts of the trees were stretching out, their darkness spreading, but then it was more, much more. Large metal boxes appeared. She wasn't sure how they were moving without animals pulling them and honestly it wasn't important. Because on the boxes, in them, all around them, were people.

Living, breathing people.

A grin stretched across Nadia's face, a grin so wide and hard it made her cheeks hurt. This! This was something! Of the hundreds upon hundreds of days that she?d watched, there was finally something!

She fumbled with the white box at the base of the antenna. The lock wouldn't open fast enough under her jittering hands. The lid cracked loudly against the stone as she flung it open. A lone flare waited in its recesses and with a shaking hand she grasped it. She gave the metal boxes and their people one last glance. There were so many now coming out of the trees, coming towards them. She hadn't dreamed it. Those were people. They weren't alone anymore.

Letting out a joyous whoop, Nadia lit the flare and held it aloft for all in the compound to see. Finally, something was coming.

I absolutely love this. There's just enough left unsaid that it creeps me out which are my favorite kind of stories!

So this is definitely rough, but here is Nadia in "The Day They Came"!

************************

Nadia trudged up the metal staircase. Her back ached from yet another restless sleep on the cots in the barracks. She stifled a yawn with her poncho, the only garment she had that could brace her for the cold of the tower. It was her duty to watch from dawn until dusk, every day. For how much longer and for what? They never said. Just to watch and light the flare if something was coming. She had a feeling they were waiting for something or someone to come or to return maybe. She didn't know and there was no point in asking, they'd just tell her to do her job. At least all she had to do was watch, even if it was bitterly cold in the mornings.

She nudged the tower door open, the cold air smacking her in the face and pushing any sleep from her bones. Anton was leaning against the old pole on the rooftop, basking in sunlight just beginning to peak over the horizon. He was dressed a bit warmer since he had the night shift. At least he was allotted a woolen blanket to ward off the frigid temperatures. He didn't even acknowledge her presence as she padded over softly in bare feet to his side.

From atop the tower you could see all of the compound: the barracks, the school, the fields, the wall and of course, beyond it. Beyond the high stone, barbed wire topped walls lay the waste. A vast, dark land of poison and nightmares. The things that grew there were gnarled and poisonous to eat. Sometimes, on days when the clouds hung heavy in the sky, you could see animals walking among the bushes and trees that managed to spring forth. They didn't look like the chickens and pigs that roamed the compound freely.

Today, however, the sun was illuminating all the nooks and crannies. Nothing would be out wandering beneath its gleaming light. Nadia sighed as she plopped down beside Anton and wrapped her poncho tightly around her, frost escaping her lips as she exhaled.

"Anything interesting?" She knew there wouldn't be, she asked anyway.

"No. Quiet and dark. And damn cold." His words pluming before him in white clouds as he rubbed his hands furiously against his pants.

Anton stood and patted her shoulder before trotting to the door and down the stairs. Now he could go warm up after spending a long night on the tower. She huddled beneath her poncho, the wool scratching the tops of her feet as she hugged them close. Just another day, watching for nothing. She usually spent her time daydreaming of far off places, places perfect and untouched by whatever had eaten the earth. She dreamed of the animals she saw in the picture books at the school, giraffes with their long necks and jaguars with teeth like knives. But mostly, she dreamed of being able to leave the compound. No one ever left, or at least no one had in recent memory. Her mother had said a couple had left when she was young, but they'd never been seen since. Leaving the compound was a death sentence, what else could have happened to all those that dared to leave the safety of the walls?

The day stretched on and as the high sun beat down on the stone of the tower, Nadia stretched out languidly. She occasionally tilted her head to look out over the waste, but there was nothing interesting to watch today. Instead she watched the sky, sometimes there would be birds to watch and on days when there weren't she would shapes and stories about the clouds. Anything to break the monotony of watching the bleak landscape. With the warmth of the sun above and the stone below, she slowly drifted to sleep. Her eyes fluttering as she dreamed of perfect grassy plains filled with the animals she'd only seen in picture books. When she finally woke it was to high peals of laughter from the children below. Even from this height she could tell that Thomas and Damon were the instigators of whatever game was being played below. They were the ones chasing all the other kids around anyway.

Nadia turned her attention from below the waste and the distant black forest that covered the horizon. Once again, there was nothing to be seen. Anton wasn?t due to return until dusk, she had several more hours to wait for him to take over. She swung her feet over the edge and tapped the stone with her heels, continuing to stare out. It was then a glinting caught her eye. Something was catching the light and bouncing it back. She studied it curiously, her heart starting to beat faster. There had never been anything like that before. The random glittering turned into steady patterned flashes. Nadia jumped to her feet, hand over her eyes to shade the light and get a better look. It was still there, part of her had thought she was imagining it.

Then there was movement. At first it looked like parts of the tree branches were stretching out, but then it was something more, something much more. Large metal boxes appeared, she wasn't sure how they were moving and honestly it wasn't important. Because on the boxes, in the boxes, around the boxes, were people. Living, breathing people. A grin stretched across Nadia?s face, a grin so wide and hard that it made her cheeks hurt. This! This was something! Of the hundreds upon hundreds of days that she'd watched, there was finally something!

She fumbled with the white box at the base of the antenna. The lock just wouldn't open fast enough. The metal lid cracked loudly against the stone as she flung it open. A lone flare waited within and with a shaking hand she grasped it. She gave the metal boxes and their people one last glance, there were so many now coming out of the trees, coming towards them. She hadn't dreamed it, hadn't seen a mirage. Those were people.

With a joyous whoop Nadia light the flare and held it aloft for all to see. Finally, something was coming.