Show Posts
This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Pages: [1]
1
Week 3 posts / The Imposter We Traded
« on: November 25, 2019, 03:56:04 AM »
Do I need a new title??? I don't know if this one works now...
But sooooo late, and here's the CP feedback edits. Thanks to EVERYONE for your advice and HELP.
Every morning I wake to carnival day.
Today, though, I have my key. If I don't use it before midnight, my way of escape will gone. It's a silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There's a tiny inscription on the moon, but it's so small, I've never been able to read it.I've always kept mine in my jewelry box, but today, I string it on a ribbon and tie it around my neck. My two best friends will be wearing theirs, too, and I wonder how they will escape this carnival of dreams.
"What's it for?" Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. "I don't know. It belonged to my grandmother," I say.
"Whatever." She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. "Have you seen Dove this morning?"
"Nope." I scan the crowd of carnival goers. Dove is never late, and she always rides the swing at the same time as Cress and me. There are three of us turning sweet sixteen today, and we've spent every birthday together. We do the same thing, wear the same clothes, eat the same food. The only difference is today we have our keys.
I spot Dove standing in line for the Free Fall. She's talking to a boy, her hand wrapped around her key necklace. Usually, she's bubbly and happy. Today is different.
"What's she doing? Why is she not here with us?" Cress asks.
I can feel Dove's eagerness, even with the distance between us,she can't force the boy's decision.
He takes the key from Dove and slips it around his neck. In an instant, the ground moves under my feet. Dove and her boy fades from view as a star whisks them away to the heavens.
Dove is free, like a bird from its gilded cage. I swallow hard and push myself forward, my courage shrinking.
"Hey, Essence. You okay?" Cress shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Her long, powder blue hair wisps around her neck, drawing my attention to the key necklace dangling from a dainty gold chain, almost the same color as her skin. I'm staring at the key, trying to understand what Cress intends to do.
She gives me a quick hug and the excitement in her eyes makes me a little jealous. Cress hurries from line and I watch her as she plays the balloon popping game. She claps her hands and jumps on her toes. I wipe my tears. A giggle peals through the air and I turn just in time to see Cress toss her key to to the vendor. Suddenly, like a falling star in the heavens, she vanishes, a bright twinkle leaving a trail of star dust behind her.
The line moves up and I choose my place carefully. My chair drops from the ceiling, scoops me up, and the entire contraption starts in motion. The swing's chains dangle from mechanical loops hidden by the colorful tarot reading on the upper interior surface.
The swing ride starts up and my hair is flying in my face, my feet swings in the air.
My hearts falls to my stomach. I don't like being alone and I certainly don't like hoe Dove and Cress were freed before me. There's only one way left for me to get my freedom.
I unfasten my safety harness and shimmy up the chain, cold seeping through my fingers. I feel as if I'm climbing into the clouds. At the top of the carousel I see through the roof of the tarot cards slowing as the swing ride comes to an end. My reading is on the infinity symbol. The white Warrior Wand in the center of the roof calls to me like a beacon. I cling to the wand like it's my hope, leaning out into my fear. Despair clings like a gray fog to my skin.
Above me, the cloud goddess reclines gracefully in her golden chair, as cloud-ish as her human form allows. She's dirty--evaporated-looking--with clear gray skin. Lighting bolts lace her arms, cirrus wisps of her silver hair drift over her eyes.
She has a pink ribbon around her neck, but no key is there. This is my chance. If I make the wrong choice, the goddess has the power to strike me with lightening and send me back to the carnival, trapped there for eternity. With shaking hands, I hand my key to her. My breath catches.
I stare up at her through my lashes, and she nods as she extends her hand to me. She presses it to her heart, and then fades like the clouds after a storm, blown away, piece by piece.
I take her place in the goddess chair.
Below me, the carnival fades in a smokey haze. It melts like the snow on a warm spring day.
I made the right choice, and now, I'm free.
But sooooo late, and here's the CP feedback edits. Thanks to EVERYONE for your advice and HELP.
Every morning I wake to carnival day.
Today, though, I have my key. If I don't use it before midnight, my way of escape will gone. It's a silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There's a tiny inscription on the moon, but it's so small, I've never been able to read it.I've always kept mine in my jewelry box, but today, I string it on a ribbon and tie it around my neck. My two best friends will be wearing theirs, too, and I wonder how they will escape this carnival of dreams.
"What's it for?" Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. "I don't know. It belonged to my grandmother," I say.
"Whatever." She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. "Have you seen Dove this morning?"
"Nope." I scan the crowd of carnival goers. Dove is never late, and she always rides the swing at the same time as Cress and me. There are three of us turning sweet sixteen today, and we've spent every birthday together. We do the same thing, wear the same clothes, eat the same food. The only difference is today we have our keys.
I spot Dove standing in line for the Free Fall. She's talking to a boy, her hand wrapped around her key necklace. Usually, she's bubbly and happy. Today is different.
"What's she doing? Why is she not here with us?" Cress asks.
I can feel Dove's eagerness, even with the distance between us,she can't force the boy's decision.
He takes the key from Dove and slips it around his neck. In an instant, the ground moves under my feet. Dove and her boy fades from view as a star whisks them away to the heavens.
Dove is free, like a bird from its gilded cage. I swallow hard and push myself forward, my courage shrinking.
"Hey, Essence. You okay?" Cress shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Her long, powder blue hair wisps around her neck, drawing my attention to the key necklace dangling from a dainty gold chain, almost the same color as her skin. I'm staring at the key, trying to understand what Cress intends to do.
She gives me a quick hug and the excitement in her eyes makes me a little jealous. Cress hurries from line and I watch her as she plays the balloon popping game. She claps her hands and jumps on her toes. I wipe my tears. A giggle peals through the air and I turn just in time to see Cress toss her key to to the vendor. Suddenly, like a falling star in the heavens, she vanishes, a bright twinkle leaving a trail of star dust behind her.
The line moves up and I choose my place carefully. My chair drops from the ceiling, scoops me up, and the entire contraption starts in motion. The swing's chains dangle from mechanical loops hidden by the colorful tarot reading on the upper interior surface.
The swing ride starts up and my hair is flying in my face, my feet swings in the air.
My hearts falls to my stomach. I don't like being alone and I certainly don't like hoe Dove and Cress were freed before me. There's only one way left for me to get my freedom.
I unfasten my safety harness and shimmy up the chain, cold seeping through my fingers. I feel as if I'm climbing into the clouds. At the top of the carousel I see through the roof of the tarot cards slowing as the swing ride comes to an end. My reading is on the infinity symbol. The white Warrior Wand in the center of the roof calls to me like a beacon. I cling to the wand like it's my hope, leaning out into my fear. Despair clings like a gray fog to my skin.
Above me, the cloud goddess reclines gracefully in her golden chair, as cloud-ish as her human form allows. She's dirty--evaporated-looking--with clear gray skin. Lighting bolts lace her arms, cirrus wisps of her silver hair drift over her eyes.
She has a pink ribbon around her neck, but no key is there. This is my chance. If I make the wrong choice, the goddess has the power to strike me with lightening and send me back to the carnival, trapped there for eternity. With shaking hands, I hand my key to her. My breath catches.
I stare up at her through my lashes, and she nods as she extends her hand to me. She presses it to her heart, and then fades like the clouds after a storm, blown away, piece by piece.
I take her place in the goddess chair.
Below me, the carnival fades in a smokey haze. It melts like the snow on a warm spring day.
I made the right choice, and now, I'm free.
2
Week 2 posts / Self Edit Draft The Imposter We Traded
« on: November 14, 2019, 05:38:59 PM »
Well, here it is. I've went back and forth with a love hate relationship on the draft...
Every morning is the same.
Every morning I wake to carnival day.
Today, though, I have my key. A silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There's a tiny inscription on the moon, but it's so small, I've never been able to read it. I've always kept it in my jewelry box, but today, I string on a ribbon and slip it around my neck.
"What's it for?" Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. "I don't know. It belonged to my grandmother," I say.
"Whatever." She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. "Have you seen Dove this morning?"
"Nope." I scan the crowd of carnival goers. Dove is never late, and she always rides the swing at the same time as Cress and me. There are three of us turning sweet sixteen today, and we've spent every birthday together. We do the same thing, wear the same clothes, eat the same food. The only difference is today, I have my key. A gift to myself. The gift of hope.
Once, I tried to use the key the way my mom warned me to never try, but guilt over powered my desire to be free, and I walked away, still locked inside the carnival. But today, on my sweet sixteen, freedom is stronger than guilt. Today, I will be free.
I spot Dove standing in line for the Free Fall. She's talking to a boy, her hand wrapped around her key necklace. Usually, she's bubbly and happy. Today is different.
"What's she doing? Why is she not here with us?" Cress asks.
I know, but I can't tell her the reason. It's against the rules. Cress has to figure it out on her own accord.
I can feel Dove's eagerness, even with the distance between us, her guilt long gone, too. But she can't force the boy's decision. I look away, but can't stand not knowing, so I pull my gaze back to the couple and watch.
He takes the key from Dove and slips it around his neck. In an instant, the ground moves under my feet. Dove and her boy fades from view as a star whisks them away to the heavens. Like falling stars in a backward route, it carries them past the moon to their final resting place.
Dove is free, like a bird from its gilded cage.
"Hey, Essence. You okay?" Cress shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Her long, powder blue hair wisps around her neck, drawing my attention to the key necklace dangling from a dainty gold chain, almost the same color as her skin. I'm staring at the key, trying to understand what Cress intends to do. She has a necklace too? When did this become a race?
I nod, with a tiny grin. "I have an idea." Last place is not an option.
The line moves up and I choose my place carefully. My chair drops from the ceiling, scoops me up, and the entire contraption starts in motion. The swing's chains dangle from mechanical loops hidden by the colorful tarot reading on the upper interior surface.
From behind me I hear a little sniff. I look over my shoulder and there sits Cress Skybrooke, her face blotchy from crying. Neither of us have a boy to present our key to, yet, somehow, I feel today will be the day it happens.
The swing ride starts up and my hair is flying in my face, my feet swinging freely in the air. A giggle peals through the air and I turn just in time to see Cress toss her key to a boy behind her. He catches it, and together they fly like a falling star to the heavens, a bright twinkle leaving a trail of star dust behind them.
My hearts falls to my stomach. A strange voice inside my head says, "Climb. Climb to the Warrior's Wand above you."
I unfasten my safety harness and shimmy up the chain, cold seeping through my fingers. I feel as if I'm climbing into the clouds. At the top of the carousel I see through the roof of the tarot cards slowing as the swing ride comes to an end. My reading is on the infinity symbol. The white Warrior Wand in the center of the roof calls to me like a beacon. I cling to the it with one hand and lean precariously over the carousal, gray fog clinging to my skin.
Above me, a cloud goddess is draped gracefully into a semi-reclining golden chair, looking every bit as cloud-ish as humanly possible. She's in her human form, but she looks more like dirty, evaporated water than human. Her skin is a clear, bluish color, laced with black lightening bolt veins running up and down her arms instead of the usual luminous pink.
She has a pink ribbon around her neck, but no key is attached. She tugs on the ribbon and points to a shadow behind her. I squint my eyes and catch a glimpse of a boy. My breath catches.
I stare up at him through my lashes, and he nods as he extends his hand to me. He catches my key and presses it to his heart. The cloud goddess fades like the clouds after a storm, blown away, piece by piece.
I take her place in the goddess chair.
My carnival days are over.
I'm free.
Every morning is the same.
Every morning I wake to carnival day.
Today, though, I have my key. A silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There's a tiny inscription on the moon, but it's so small, I've never been able to read it. I've always kept it in my jewelry box, but today, I string on a ribbon and slip it around my neck.
"What's it for?" Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. "I don't know. It belonged to my grandmother," I say.
"Whatever." She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. "Have you seen Dove this morning?"
"Nope." I scan the crowd of carnival goers. Dove is never late, and she always rides the swing at the same time as Cress and me. There are three of us turning sweet sixteen today, and we've spent every birthday together. We do the same thing, wear the same clothes, eat the same food. The only difference is today, I have my key. A gift to myself. The gift of hope.
Once, I tried to use the key the way my mom warned me to never try, but guilt over powered my desire to be free, and I walked away, still locked inside the carnival. But today, on my sweet sixteen, freedom is stronger than guilt. Today, I will be free.
I spot Dove standing in line for the Free Fall. She's talking to a boy, her hand wrapped around her key necklace. Usually, she's bubbly and happy. Today is different.
"What's she doing? Why is she not here with us?" Cress asks.
I know, but I can't tell her the reason. It's against the rules. Cress has to figure it out on her own accord.
I can feel Dove's eagerness, even with the distance between us, her guilt long gone, too. But she can't force the boy's decision. I look away, but can't stand not knowing, so I pull my gaze back to the couple and watch.
He takes the key from Dove and slips it around his neck. In an instant, the ground moves under my feet. Dove and her boy fades from view as a star whisks them away to the heavens. Like falling stars in a backward route, it carries them past the moon to their final resting place.
Dove is free, like a bird from its gilded cage.
"Hey, Essence. You okay?" Cress shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Her long, powder blue hair wisps around her neck, drawing my attention to the key necklace dangling from a dainty gold chain, almost the same color as her skin. I'm staring at the key, trying to understand what Cress intends to do. She has a necklace too? When did this become a race?
I nod, with a tiny grin. "I have an idea." Last place is not an option.
The line moves up and I choose my place carefully. My chair drops from the ceiling, scoops me up, and the entire contraption starts in motion. The swing's chains dangle from mechanical loops hidden by the colorful tarot reading on the upper interior surface.
From behind me I hear a little sniff. I look over my shoulder and there sits Cress Skybrooke, her face blotchy from crying. Neither of us have a boy to present our key to, yet, somehow, I feel today will be the day it happens.
The swing ride starts up and my hair is flying in my face, my feet swinging freely in the air. A giggle peals through the air and I turn just in time to see Cress toss her key to a boy behind her. He catches it, and together they fly like a falling star to the heavens, a bright twinkle leaving a trail of star dust behind them.
My hearts falls to my stomach. A strange voice inside my head says, "Climb. Climb to the Warrior's Wand above you."
I unfasten my safety harness and shimmy up the chain, cold seeping through my fingers. I feel as if I'm climbing into the clouds. At the top of the carousel I see through the roof of the tarot cards slowing as the swing ride comes to an end. My reading is on the infinity symbol. The white Warrior Wand in the center of the roof calls to me like a beacon. I cling to the it with one hand and lean precariously over the carousal, gray fog clinging to my skin.
Above me, a cloud goddess is draped gracefully into a semi-reclining golden chair, looking every bit as cloud-ish as humanly possible. She's in her human form, but she looks more like dirty, evaporated water than human. Her skin is a clear, bluish color, laced with black lightening bolt veins running up and down her arms instead of the usual luminous pink.
She has a pink ribbon around her neck, but no key is attached. She tugs on the ribbon and points to a shadow behind her. I squint my eyes and catch a glimpse of a boy. My breath catches.
I stare up at him through my lashes, and he nods as he extends his hand to me. He catches my key and presses it to his heart. The cloud goddess fades like the clouds after a storm, blown away, piece by piece.
I take her place in the goddess chair.
My carnival days are over.
I'm free.
3
Week 1 posts / First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« on: November 08, 2019, 05:16:49 PM »
Well, here it is, in all it's messiness. The good news is two-fold. One, it's only a rough, first draft and two, there's still plenty of room and time to revise and polish.Yay! I'm going to read and comment on everyone's right now! Woop!! PS: Below my story is the list of things I want to include in my story, so if you see any places this could be done, feel free to point them out. Yes, I'm "THAT girl" who asks for help!! 
The Imposter We Traded
There were three of us girls, all turning sweet sixteen. Nothing sweet about today. For the other two girls, anyway. I feel sorry for them really. They are my friends, after all. We cling to the Warriors Wand with one hand and in the other hand, the Torchlight. We lean precariously over the clone cloud portal. I wonder how long this ritual will last.
Above us, on the other side of the foggy screen, a cloud goddess is strapped into a semi-reclining bed, looking every bit as cloud-ish as humanly possible. Essence Hayle is in her human form, but she looks more like dirty, evaporated water than human. Her skin is a clear, bluish color, laced with black lightening bolt veins running up and down her arms instead of the usual luminous pink.
Thunder?s song come to life, shrill and loud, like a storm siren,, then fades into one, long high-pitched whistle. Red, flashes of lightening brighten the sky, and voices spill through the stormy haze on the far side of the sky.
?What?s going on? What happened to Essence?? the girl to my left asks, squinting at the sky. There are shadows moving around on the other side of the clouds, but I can?t make out who the shadows belong to.
The girl to my right clicks her teeth. A shiver runs through me. ?How am I supposed to know. This is why we?ve been summoned. Storm?s a brewing. They come, they go. So, who is leaving today?? she asks, a tear in her eye. Like she know her fate is in my hand.
The wind is whipping my hair, my clothes, which have faded to black, yet, all around me is still, quiet. The wind howls, but nothing else seems be bothered. Even the dark clouds are unmoving, even as my hair flies and whips in my face.
My friend to right of the Warrior Wand turns into ice crystals. Like snowflakes that melt as they land on my fingertips, she disappears. I stare, a small grin on my lips.
I kow what is happening.
Essence is playing Ring Around the Warrior Wand. She is trying to make a clone of herself. I will not be the one who melts away. With a tiny twinge of guilt, I aim my Torchlight at my friend, sho stands on my left side. Like a snowman on a sunny, warm day, to melts into a puddle.
Essence smiles at me through the fog. With a nod, the storm erupts, lightning, wind, hail, and rain. She had won, and I was her clone, the Could Goddess of Storms.
I raise the Torchlight toward the heavens and fire the magic. With perfect aim, the fire slams Essence in the chest. I watch as she melts, and mingles with the hail.
Now, I truly am the Cloud Goddess.
Things I want to include in my WIM WIP:
1. Magic wand that is not a typical wand (warrior wand=white pole) and Fire magic (the torchlight maybe?)
2. I want a fantasy superhero!
3. Creation of a new world or universe
4. Color changing sky and clouds and lightning
5. Time machine sand glass
6. Hot air balloon
7. Star maiden and stars
8. Cloud goddess and magic clouds and/or fog
9. tarrot cards that are not in tarrot card form
10. magic key
The Imposter We Traded
There were three of us girls, all turning sweet sixteen. Nothing sweet about today. For the other two girls, anyway. I feel sorry for them really. They are my friends, after all. We cling to the Warriors Wand with one hand and in the other hand, the Torchlight. We lean precariously over the clone cloud portal. I wonder how long this ritual will last.
Above us, on the other side of the foggy screen, a cloud goddess is strapped into a semi-reclining bed, looking every bit as cloud-ish as humanly possible. Essence Hayle is in her human form, but she looks more like dirty, evaporated water than human. Her skin is a clear, bluish color, laced with black lightening bolt veins running up and down her arms instead of the usual luminous pink.
Thunder?s song come to life, shrill and loud, like a storm siren,, then fades into one, long high-pitched whistle. Red, flashes of lightening brighten the sky, and voices spill through the stormy haze on the far side of the sky.
?What?s going on? What happened to Essence?? the girl to my left asks, squinting at the sky. There are shadows moving around on the other side of the clouds, but I can?t make out who the shadows belong to.
The girl to my right clicks her teeth. A shiver runs through me. ?How am I supposed to know. This is why we?ve been summoned. Storm?s a brewing. They come, they go. So, who is leaving today?? she asks, a tear in her eye. Like she know her fate is in my hand.
The wind is whipping my hair, my clothes, which have faded to black, yet, all around me is still, quiet. The wind howls, but nothing else seems be bothered. Even the dark clouds are unmoving, even as my hair flies and whips in my face.
My friend to right of the Warrior Wand turns into ice crystals. Like snowflakes that melt as they land on my fingertips, she disappears. I stare, a small grin on my lips.
I kow what is happening.
Essence is playing Ring Around the Warrior Wand. She is trying to make a clone of herself. I will not be the one who melts away. With a tiny twinge of guilt, I aim my Torchlight at my friend, sho stands on my left side. Like a snowman on a sunny, warm day, to melts into a puddle.
Essence smiles at me through the fog. With a nod, the storm erupts, lightning, wind, hail, and rain. She had won, and I was her clone, the Could Goddess of Storms.
I raise the Torchlight toward the heavens and fire the magic. With perfect aim, the fire slams Essence in the chest. I watch as she melts, and mingles with the hail.
Now, I truly am the Cloud Goddess.
Things I want to include in my WIM WIP:
1. Magic wand that is not a typical wand (warrior wand=white pole) and Fire magic (the torchlight maybe?)
2. I want a fantasy superhero!
3. Creation of a new world or universe
4. Color changing sky and clouds and lightning
5. Time machine sand glass
6. Hot air balloon
7. Star maiden and stars
8. Cloud goddess and magic clouds and/or fog
9. tarrot cards that are not in tarrot card form
10. magic key
Pages: [1]