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My biggest feedback was the confusion on POV throughout the story. While it was at times frustrating to read, I accept that this was a design error and not a user error. So, without further influencing your view on the POV, I hope the changes I made have cleared things up. I also was made aware of two glaring plot holes in my previous version, which I did my best to patch up. The majority of the story stayed mostly the same. This edit was more of a freshening up and cleaning loose ends. I also managed to keep the word count from 999 words to 1000.
La Capitaine
Margot levels her pistol at the man at her desk, the sound of it cocking stops his search.
"Bonsoir, mon petit lapin." A little rabbit. She chuckles at the lie. He is a shark, circling for blood.
"Margot," he coos, drawing out her name. "Where is the map?"
"That's Capitaine Margot, Guy."
The French of her homeland molds his flat English name into something almost forgotten. He once told Margot the only reason he learned French was to ask her to say it again.
Even now, she sees the question forming in the curve of his lips, in that sparkle in his eye, but as he opens his mouth there is a thundering outside and the floor throws them to the wall. His ship is faster than she anticipated.
The second volley blasts through her wall itself and sends Guy sprawling towards the precipice, his eyes wide and blue as the sea. Margot grabs his outstretched hand, but his weight and momentum are too much. She is pulled with him. They plunge into the water.
Below is cold and silence. She kicks to the surface, gasping air into her lungs. Above is all sound, heat, and waves. A fire erupts below deck. Rowboats are lowering as men and women--her crew--clamber into the too-small vessel. A deafening thunder echoes across the water, reverberating in the valley between the two ships, as a ball of metal slams into the rowboat. It shatters. The sound fills her ears with cotton. She barely hears her own scream, let alone the cries of her people, as they plummet.
Hands drag her from the water. Margot registers nothing until she climbs onto the deck and meets the cold, blue eyes of Captain Guy Roberts. Over his shoulder, the last of her ship sinks out of sight.
"If I can't have the map," says Guy, "Then
you will take me to the talisman."
Margot stares into the empty waters. Mere minutes ago, she shared a meal with her crew. Now they are gone. All gone.
"Margot!" Guy cries, as she stares past him.
He's betrayed her for the last time. Her eyes skewer him as she crosses the deck. Black tendrils escape her braid, whipping across her face, but she doesn't break eye contact. A smile carves across Guy's face as she nears and his eyes dart to her lips.
"That's Capitaine Margot, Guy."
In one smooth motion, she pulls the cutlass from his scabbard and presses it to his neck. His smile slips ever-so-slightly and he swallows. A trickle of blood travels down his neck from her unyielding sword.
"There's no point dueling now." His voice is smooth despite the steel scraping his throat. "Your ship is beneath the sea. You're surrounded." His eyes soften. "Join me, Margot," he pleads. "Who knows what power the talisman holds."
The cries of her crew still echo in her ears. She snarls and pushes him from her.
"Get a sword, Guy."
"Margot." A shipmate hands him a blade, but Guy ignores it as he looks urgingly into Margot's eyes.
"You want the talisman?" she taunts, pulling a chain from around her neck. The long cylinder dangles from the end, waving back and forth. His softness vanishes as his eyes follow the charm.
"Very well," he replies, taking the blade.
Margot has dueled Guy many times before. This is the last time.
Metal clangs. His form has improved and Guy disarms her near the starboard side, her blade sliding across the deck. Guy grabs her by the braid, pulling her head back as he lifts his sword.
"It didn't have to be like this," he whispers.
Margot ducks and the sword slices her braid. Pulling a knife from her boot, she pierces his side. Her sword is reclaimed by his crew. She is trapped and out of options. Behind her, the water calls her name. She could join her crew at the bottom or...
Her eyes land on the rigging nearby. She is not yet finished. While Guy's crew binds his wound, she returns her knife and climbs, a plan forming as she ascends.
"You have nowhere to go, Margot," Guy calls. "The talisman is mine."
Despite her shorn hair pelting her face, she reaches the crow's nest and retrieves the talisman. Raising it high, she wills its magic to channel through her. Below, the water boils.
When the first mast bursts forth, the crew turns to the commotion. As though it always sailed from the deep, Margot's ship returns to the surface, water pouring down its sides.
"A ghost ship," they are saying, their eyes transfixed. Margot can't look away. The talisman channeled her regret, her sorrow. It found her heart's desire.
Water trickles from every crack as the ship lines itself with Guy's. The first cannon brakes their trance. Through the blasts and the violent shaking of the ship, Margot almost misses the sensation of a hand around her ankle.
Guy has caught up to her. But Margot's future has just returned, and she has no patience. Throwing her coat-tail to the side, she kicks Guy with all her might. His grip loosens but doesn't detach and he turns back to her with blood running from his nose, his lip raised baring his teeth. Frustrated, Margot retrieves her blade and holds it just above his eye.
"Liberez-moi, Guy."
"You wouldn't, Margot."
"That's Capitaine Margot." She jabs, leaving a streak from brow to cheek. He might lose the eye, but he would live. Guy grabs his face with a scream and Margot slides down to the sail, cutting loose a rope.
"Au revoir, Guy," she calls. Hate seers her with his one good eye, the other covered by his hand. Taking the rope, she swings across the chasm.
"Allons-y, mes comarades," she calls as her boots hit the deck.
Capitaine Margot Toulouse glances back at the smoldering remains of Guy's ship. That won't be enough to end him, but she has greater treasure waiting beyond the horizon.
Topic: Week 3 - La Capitaine (Read 3819 times)