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Author Topic: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded  (Read 2892 times)

TalynnL

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First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« on: November 08, 2019, 05:16:49 PM »
Well, here it is, in all it's messiness. The good news is two-fold. One, it's only a rough, first draft and two, there's still plenty of room and time to revise and polish.Yay! I'm going to read and comment on everyone's right now! Woop!! PS: Below my story is the list of things I want to include in my story, so if you see any places this could be done, feel free to point them out. Yes, I'm "THAT girl" who asks for help!! :D

The Imposter We Traded

There were three of us girls, all turning sweet sixteen. Nothing sweet about today. For the other two girls, anyway. I feel sorry for them really. They are my friends, after all. We cling to the Warriors Wand with one hand and in the other hand, the Torchlight. We lean precariously over the clone cloud portal. I wonder how long this ritual will last.
Above us, on the other side of the foggy screen, a cloud goddess is strapped into a semi-reclining bed, looking every bit as cloud-ish as humanly possible. Essence Hayle is in her human form, but she looks more like dirty, evaporated water than human. Her skin is a clear, bluish color, laced with black lightening bolt veins running up and down her arms instead of the usual luminous pink.
Thunder?s song come to life, shrill and loud, like a storm siren,, then fades into one, long high-pitched whistle. Red, flashes of lightening brighten the sky, and voices spill through the stormy haze on the far side of the sky.
?What?s going on? What happened to Essence?? the girl to my left asks, squinting at the sky. There are shadows moving around on the other side of the clouds, but I can?t make out who the shadows belong to.
The girl to my right clicks her teeth. A shiver runs through me. ?How am I supposed to know. This is why we?ve been summoned. Storm?s a brewing. They come, they go. So, who is leaving today?? she asks, a tear in her eye. Like she know her fate is in my hand.
The wind is whipping my hair, my clothes, which have faded to black, yet, all around me is still, quiet. The wind howls, but nothing else seems be bothered. Even the dark clouds are unmoving, even as my hair flies and whips in my face.
My friend to right of the Warrior Wand turns into ice crystals. Like snowflakes that melt as they land on my fingertips, she disappears. I stare, a small grin on my lips.
I kow what is happening.
Essence is playing Ring Around the Warrior Wand. She is trying to make a clone of herself. I will not be the one who melts away. With a tiny twinge of guilt, I aim my Torchlight at my friend, sho stands on my left side. Like a snowman on a sunny, warm day, to melts into a puddle.
Essence smiles at me through the fog. With a nod, the storm erupts, lightning, wind, hail, and rain. She had won, and I was her clone, the Could Goddess of Storms.
I raise the Torchlight toward the heavens and fire the magic. With perfect aim, the fire slams Essence in the chest. I watch as she melts, and mingles with the hail.
Now, I truly am the Cloud Goddess.

Things I want to include in my WIM WIP:
   1.   Magic wand that is not a typical wand (warrior wand=white pole) and Fire magic (the torchlight maybe?)
   2.   I want a fantasy superhero!
   3.   Creation of a new world or universe
   4.   Color changing sky and clouds and lightning
   5.   Time machine sand glass
   6.   Hot air balloon
   7.   Star maiden and stars
   8.   Cloud goddess and magic clouds and/or fog
   9.   tarrot cards that are not in tarrot card form
   10.   magic key

JenDavenport

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2019, 05:39:05 PM »
Such a great mix of colors and action. I love the twist at the end.

Grim Dreamer

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2019, 09:12:32 PM »
A lot of good images to work with here!

Jeni Chappelle

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2019, 03:52:13 AM »
I didn't want to read your story yet since I'm going to edit it, but I love that you're asking for help! That's what this community is all about.

Thuy

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2019, 05:18:40 PM »
Fantastic bones! Already you paint such a vivid picture, especially in your description of the cloud goddess Essence. I want to know more about cloning in this magic system!

songmaiden

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2019, 05:34:47 PM »
Oh my goodness, I love a good fantasy, but where this really caught me was where she gets the grin on her lips, because I *really* love a character when you?re not sure if they?re good, evil, or something in between. I cannot wait to see the finished version of this, because just the idea of it?clones and magic!?is brilliant.

KristenH

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2019, 12:07:15 AM »
Talynn, what a charming first draft. I love the title and the image of a Cloud Goddess. I can't wait to see your revised versions of this and how you take this further.

SKaeth

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Re: First Draft: The Imposter We Traded
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2019, 02:34:31 AM »
Interesting set up, with great hints of magic and a wonderful fantasy feel!