I figured I'd start with a little about my process when self-editing:
1. Let a sit for a few days, I find I'm not successful in editing or revising if I try and do it immediately after the first draft.
2. ctrl+f to find all those filler words! Delete most, save a couple that actually work.
3. Go through paragraph by paragraph and find repetitive words and replace. I had a couple in this one to change up, I am especially bad at overusing certain adjectives.
4. Rephrase/rework sentences so they are more show than tell. I do this paragraph by paragraph also, so I'm hyper focused on small changes.
5. Cut out unnecessary pieces.
6. Add more detail to important places.
So I delete, delete, delete and then add more at the end. This draft is under 1k words, whereas the first draft was not (I was over by about 100 words). Without further ado, here is the second draft of The Day They Came.
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Nadia trudged up the staircase, bare feet stinging from the chilled metal. Her back ached from another restless sleep on cots in the barracks. She stifled a yawn with her poncho, the only garment she had that could brace her for the cold of the tower. It was her duty to watch from dawn until dusk every day. For how long and for what? They never said. Just to watch and light the flare if she saw anything. She had a feeling they were waiting for something or someone to come or to return. She didn?t know and there was no point in asking, they?d just tell her to do her job. At least all she had to do was watch, even if it was bitterly cold in the mornings.
She nudged the tower door open, the biting air smacking her face and pushing any sleep from her bones. Anton was leaning against the old pole on the roof, his lanky frame stockstill as she padded over softly. He was basking like a lizard in the sunlight beginning to peak over the horizon. At least he was allotted a wool blanket to ward off the frigid temperatures.
From atop the tower you could see all of the compound: the barracks, the school, the fields, the wall and, of course, beyond it. Beyond the stone, barbed wire topped high walls lay the waste. A vast, dark land of poison and nightmares. The things that grew there were gnarled and misshapen. Sometimes, on the days when the clouds hung heavy in the sky, you could see animals walking among the bushes and trees that managed to spring forth. They didn?t look like the chickens, pigs and sheep that roamed the compound freely.
Today, however, the sun was illuminating all the nooks and crannies. Nothing would be out wandering beneath its gleaming light. Nadia sighed as she plopped down beside Anton and wrapped her poncho tightly around her, frost escaping her lips as she exhaled.
?Anything interesting?? She knew there wouldn?t be, she asked anyway.
?No. Quiet and dark. And damn cold.? His words pluming before him in white clouds as he rubbed his hands furiously.
Anton stood and patted her shoulder before trotting to the door. Now he could warm up after spending a long night on the tower. She huddled beneath her poncho, the wool scratching the tops of her feet as she hugged them close. Another day, watching for nothing. She usually spent her time daydreaming of far off places, places perfect and untouched by whatever had eaten the earth. She dreamed of the animals she saw in the picture books at school, giraffes with long necks and lions with teeth like knives. Mostly, she dreamed of being able to leave the compound. No one ever left, or at least no one had in recent memory. Leaving the compound was a death sentence, what else could have happened to all those that dared to leave the safety of the walls?
The day stretched on and as the high sun beat down on the stone of the tower, Nadia stretched out languidly. She occasionally tilted her head to look out over the waste, but there was nothing interesting to watch today. Instead she watched the sky, sometimes there would be birds to watch and, on days when there weren?t, she would make shapes and stories about the clouds. Anything to break the monotony of watching the bleak landscape. With the warmth of the sun above and the heated stone below, she drifted to sleep. Her eyes fluttering as she dreamed of perfect grassy plains filled with the animals she?d seen in picture books.
When she finally woke it was to high peals of laughter from the children below. School was over and the children were running amok below. Nadia turned her attention from them to the waste and the distant black forest covering the horizon. Once again, there was nothing to be seen. Anton wasn?t due to return until dusk, she had several more hours to wait for him to take over. She swung her feet over the edge and tapped the stone with her heels, continuing to stare out.
It was then a glinting caught her eye. Something was catching the light. She studied it curiously, her heart starting to beat faster. There had never been anything like that before. The random glittering turned into steady patterned flashes. Nadia jumped to her feet, hand over her eyes to get a better look. It was still there, part of her had thought she was imagining it.
Then there was movement. At first it looked like parts of the trees were stretching out, their darkness spreading, but then it was something more, something much more. Large metal boxes appeared, she wasn?t sure how they were moving without animals before them and honestly it wasn?t important. Because on the boxes, in the boxes, around the boxes, were people. Living, breathing people. A grin stretched across Nadia?s face, a grin so wide and hard it made her cheeks hurt. This! This was something! Of the hundreds upon hundreds of days that she?d watched, there was finally something!
She fumbled with the white box at the base of the antenna. The lock wouldn?t open fast enough under her jittering hands. The lid cracked loudly against the stone as she flung it open. A lone flare waited in its recesses and with a shaking hand she grasped it. She gave the metal boxes and their people one last glance, there were so many now coming out of the trees, coming towards them. She hadn?t dreamed it. Those were people.
Letting out a joyous whoop, Nadia lit the flare and held it aloft for all to see. Finally, something was coming.
Topic: Second Draft: The Day They Came (Read 1532 times)