I would like to take a moment to thank Grim Dreamer and Natalie for their excellent feedback. I really appreciate that and the brainstorming that you both helped me with. The story has grown from 423 words to 880. I tried to use those words to add more internal narrative to the story. In the original I focused on using body parts and images in an attempt to make the reader 'feel' that physical connect with the MC. In this draft I attempted to pull back from that a bit and tried to bring the focus back to the character herself. Also I feel I was able to fill in that plot hole that was there previously by doing this.
Internal dialogue is something I struggle with, well how to show it anyway. Is it good enough to put it in italics? Should you break the prose and set it by itself? I would be interested in the thoughts out there.
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Carle's father had been top of his class, a zeppelin pilot able to navigate the fiercest winds. It?s all in how you feel it, he would say. Most people didn't get it, not even the other pilots but that is why he was the best. Then the Emperor called and he answered. He did things like that, chose others over himself. She remembered his smile as he left that morning, safe she would be safe and so would everyone else. That was eleven years ago, she had been six.
She stared at the crumpled letter, her tears fell to the page. She tried to wipe them clean but only managed to tear the paper. He was coming home, would be here before the early light. He would swagger off that airship, give her a hug and rustle her hair, still treating her like she was six. She had grown up a lot. He might even have to look up to her now. She fought to control the sob that threatened. Carle's eyes flicked to the clock on the other side of the control room. Very Soon! She leapt to her feet, chair clattering to the floor.
She dashed from the room, leaping a control desk in the process. Her muscles began to burn as she turned from one empty hallway to the next. Her steps echoing off the walls. Down corridors lit by light pooling from caged lanterns, barely hanging on the wall. Her thoughts raced faster than she did. He hadn't been here for the plague, for the evacuation. He didn't know they'd been forced to abandon the old town. What was left of them. Her mom, the others, no no time for that now.
Another corner, another empty hall. Finally the last hall, the door and sitting beside it the trunk. Where it has always been. She closed in and slid down on one leg to come to a stop in front of it. She hefted the lid up, bright red letters greeted her. EMERGENCY ONLY! It said. Obviously this counted. They wouldn't be able to find their way home otherwise. She dug into the chest, throwing supplies over one shoulder then the next.
Big, yellow, plastic suit thing get out of my way! she thought tossing it away. Canned meat? No! The can clinked as she threw it perhaps a bit too far.
Ah HA! She said as her fingers gripped the tube packed at the bottom. Her fingers wrapped around it as she pulled the flare out. You are what I am looking for. She grasped the flare in her right hand and burst out the door, on to the landing grounds. The wind whipped her hair around her face as she searched the darkness of the morning sky. Where were they? The minutes ground by like frozen molasses. Finally, in the distance she saw the blink of lights at the leading edge of the fleet. They were off course. She knew it, she might be too late.
Her father would be piloting the lead ship, he would see, she had to get him home. She rushed to the tower at the edge of the grounds. Round and round she ran up the stairway. Her breath came hard, her legs burning begging her to stop but the adrenaline shouted down their protests. Rushing across the platform she struck the flare, its light blinding. She wrapped one arm around the center post and swung out over the field, waving desperately.
The wind tore at her, driving her head down. It has always been her father's companion, she wouldn't let it betray him now, wouldn?t let her arm fall. Bits of light caught the edge of her vision. Turning her head she looked, the others had seen. They would help her guide them home. A smile crept across her face ranging ear to ear. They had been right to put her at this far flung outpost.
"WELCOME HOME PAPA!" She yelled against the protests of the betrayer winds.
The wind grew bolder and drove at her harder, she pushed head against the post and in a meek voice "Welcome home everyone."
Pulses of pain shot up her arm, flare began to sputter. Tears wet her cheeks, she wouldn't let her arm fall, not this time. Glancing up and across the valley she saw the sun had begin to crest the mountains. The air filled with light, the darkness driven back and the wind died to a breeze. She could see them, they'd corrected course. They were coming home.
She turned her head to the side, there were so many. She began to count then stopped. Too many. The Emperor never had a fleet that size. Something didn't makes add up. She had received the message herself, last night, it said they would be here in the early light.
It was clear by the approach they had sighted the town. Her home. Who were they? They turned broadside and no sigil of the Emperor greeted her. Oh no! Blue and gold, the Mage?s Guild. So many! They crossed the threshold of the town. She watched the bombs fall and flames rise within a chorus of screams. Her home, her friends all burned. Her fault! Tears unrelenting poured from her eyes. They came for her now, she would burn with the rest.
Topic: Welcome Home - CP1 Draft (Read 2561 times)