I was very excited to get feedback on my story this week. I knew it needed more internalization and could probably use some clarity, but where? And how could I possibly fit all of it? Well, if I ever doubted the help of CPs, this week should correct that idea, because the feedback I received was so helpful and I can already see this story growing.
"Who's captain here?"
Boots thudded on the mossy pier. "Me voila." Capitaine Margot Toulouse touched the rim of her feathered tricorn, nodding at the surly merchant.
After months at sea, Margot still felt the phantom sway of the ocean beneath her feet. This was only a quick restock. Treasure lay on the horizon.
"Lisbeth." Margot stopped her second as she passed. "See they don't go overboard on the rum again." She nodded to the crew disembarking.
Lisbeth shrugged. "I'll do what I can."
"Excuse me."
The two women turned to the forgotten merchant.
"You can't dock here."
Margot spread her arms wide. "This is the ocean. There are no rules."
He pointed to a sign nailed to the post on her right. "It says here--"
Lisbeth ripped the sign free, crushed it, and tossed it to the waves. "I'll see they stay in line." She marched after the crew.
Margot turned her attention back to the merchant. "See? No signs."
The merchant sputtered, his face turning red. "Your ship is blocking my pier!"
Behind him, a hooded figured swiped the merchant's purse. Margot tilted her head as she watched. She could use a quick hand. A petty thief was nothing special, but something about this one called to her. She couldn't ignore a gut feeling.
"I'll see that it's moved." She lied, tipping her hat to the merchant and following after the mysterious figure.
Margot hurried down the pier and through the market, nearly losing the figure thrice, until she saw the dark hem of their cloak slip down a narrow alley. By the time she reached it, the alley was empty. They couldn't have gotten far. Margot ran, dodging clotheslines and hopping over discarded refuse. She rounded a bend and was slammed into the wall, the wind knocking out of her, and the cold metal of a dagger sharp against her throat.
"Why are you following me?" The cloaked figure was a woman. And a beautiful one at that. Full lips and a strong jaw. A purple scar tracked from the corner of her eye through her upper lip, leaving her face in a permanent snarl. Margot nearly forgot the dagger until something warm trickled down her throat. "Who told you about me?"
"No one. I'm here to--"
"There she is." Margot's response was cut off by shouting down the alley. "Grab the witch!"
The woman's head snapped to the men crashing toward them. The look in her eye told Margot everything she needed to know.
"To offer you a job." Margot reached for her sword. "I assume they're here for you? I'll hold them off."
The woman lowered the blade from Margot's throat. "A job?"
"Go now." Margot turned her back to the woman, her sword raised. "Meet me by the docks. If you make it, the job is yours. Allez!"
The only reply Margot received was the swift patter of feet disappearing behind her.
The alley was too slim for a proper fight, but Margot would make due.
"Move, woman."
Margot lifted her sword higher. "That's Capitaine."
The man's sword was notably longer than hers. An advantage in any other situation. Sparks flew as his sword clanged against the stone walls of the alley, slowing his thrusts. Margot ducked low, slicing a gash to his thigh. He growled and backed a few steps, toppling into his comrades.
A blood-chilling scream echoed behind Margot. She needed to get back to the docks.
As the men untangled themselves, Margot leaped and caught the nearest clothesline. With a swing, she knocked them back to the ground, taking off to the market.
A growing crowd disrupted the normal foot-traffic, drawing Margot's attention. As she approached, a guard punched a familiar, cloaked figure in the gut. The figure fell out of sight. Panic churned through Margot as she shoved her way to the front. By the time she broke through, the guards had pulled the figure back up and held her by each arm. "That's enough with you, witch."
"I've had enough as well," the woman ground out.
Her next words were muttered so low Margot couldn't make them out. At first unnoticed, and then growing like a fire, smoke billowed from the woman's cloak, her sleeves, her face, until the woman's body was nothing but smoke. Wisps circled her captors, slipping into their ears, their mouths, their noses; choking the life from them. They dropped at her feet, knees thudding on hardpacked earth.
Margot decided then, she must have this woman.
Someone screamed, followed by more screams as fog filled the market. Margot entered the fray at a steady clip, never losing sight of where the woman last stood.
"What's your name?"
A face formed, her body returned. "Najwa." Her voice was a whisper in the chaos, meant only for Margot.
"Capitaine Margot Toulouse. I can promise you adventure and riches beyond compare." Margot offered her hand. "Come with me."
Najwa's hand was warm and calloused, her grip firm. "I will."
A smile pushed at Margot's cheek. "Parfait."
Margot tugged, leading Najwa through the cacophony to where her ship waited.
At the end of the dock, a sour face stopped them. "I told you to move that ship. I've alerted the authorities." The merchant pointed to Margot, and the two guards with him closed in.
"Can you swim?" Margot whispered to Najwa, a plan already forming.
"If the need arises."
"Lisbeth." Margot called to the small boat rowing shipward just off the dock. "Are all accounted for?"
"Aye, Capitaine." Lisbeth's voice was distant, but legible.
"Well then." Margot approached the merchant, who scuttled back nervously. "Merci, good sir, for your hospitality. And if you don't mind," she ducked under a guard's reach and pushed Najwa off the dock, "we'll be on our way."
Margot doffed her hat, bowing grandly, before following Najwa in a dive. In no time, they'd reached Lisbeth's rowboat, wet, but no worse for wear.
Margot turned to her newest crew-member. "Welcome aboard, mon ami."
Topic: La Capitaine Retourne - CP edits (Read 1977 times)