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Author Topic: First draft - untitled  (Read 923 times)

Dani Frank

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First draft - untitled
« on: August 07, 2020, 09:46:42 PM »
   Welcome. Welcome. This is my first draft and also my first attempt at a romcom. Parts of this is Frankenstein-ed together and I had to try really hard to not reread (and then edit everything). I'm pretty sure I will need to smooth out and maybe tone down some of the dialog.
   If you haven't seen the movie Speed, I highly recommend it (or at least watch the trailer here https://youtu.be/Fk4A1AY10U0 to get a lot of my references). I don't know why Speed happened in this story, but that's just what came out. As an aside, this story is very loosely based on a true story. So without further ado, enjoy!


   This was it. Her final resting place. She was going to die on this dumb mountain without even reaching the top.
   "I'm done."
   "Come on, wildcat," Matt called back from an annoying distance ahead on the trail. "If we drop below 50 this bus will blow."
   "Screw that, Keanu. Let the mountain take me."
   "It can't be much further," Matt repeated for the seventh time in the past hour. His perfect ass was no longer enough motivation to keep going.
   "Oh wow. Tessa! Look at this view. It's so beautiful!"
   They were on a mountain in a national park. Every bend had a beautiful view and she was getting pretty damn sick of them. Jesus help her, if he did another handstand, she would push him off of this mountain.
   Dragging her feet around the bend to where he stopped, she looked out where the trees backed off and opened a clear view of the mountain range. The mountains faded into the distance from a deep rocky grey fading to sky blue and a distant purple. It was gorgeous. If she wasn't sweating like a pig and gasping like a fish on a freaking mountain this could almost be considered romantic.
   "This would be the perfect backdrop for an inversion. Can you grab the camera out of my bag?"
   Before she could say anything further, he dropped his bag, threw off his shirt, and had flipped himself into a perfect handstand on the flat rock cliff.
   "No."
   "But, babe. Look at this view." He switches his weight to one hand so he can point out at the mountains behind him and she seethed. Could he at least look tired?
   "I am hot. I am tired. And I don't even like tea!"
   "It's not about the tea. It's about the journey to the top."
   This was it. He was a nice guy and the sex was amazing, but she would not take one more photo and she was not going to take a step further up this mountain.
   "I'm done, Matt. Don't get dead." And with that she turned to walk back down the way she came when a swift breeze whipped around the side of the mountain, tangled in his legs, and pulled.
   There was an infinite moment where his eyes met hers before he tumbled out of view.
   "Matt!"
   Tessa was surprised to see Keanu Reeves flash before her eyes. Hours and hours of Keanu, sitting on a lumpy, upcycled couch with boxes of takeout food on the coffee table and Matt laughing and cheering Keanu on with her. This was supposed to be something casual. And even if it weren't, he was supposed to be safe. Miles up a mountain and he's still doing handstands. He was supposed to be indestructible, someone who could carry her hopes and fears--her heart--and never die.
   "Tessa?" A soft call came from over the ledge. "Are you still there?"
   She ran to the edge to find that the cliff was not as sheer as she though. He clung to the face like a baby opossum on its mother, maybe five feet below her.
   "Matt! I'm here."
   "I don't think I can move." He shifted and the gravel beneath him began to trickle precariously.
   "Hold on, I'll find help." They had to be about three miles up now and passed fewer and fewer people. The last group that passed was about ten minutes ago and there was no telling when the next would come by or if they would even have any ideas of how to get him out of this.
   "Thanks, Tessa. I really appreciate you, but also I might have over done it with the inversions and I'm not sure how long I can hang on."
   Damnit, Matt and his handstands. She whipped off her shirt then, a shallow part of her glad she picked her cute sports bra for the hike.
   "Ok I'm going to lower this down to you, but you're a meaty giant and I can't pull you up on my own. Do you think you can do it?" She lowered her shirt over the edge. Stretching as far as she could it landed about a foot above his head. It would have to be enough.
   "Tessa I'm scared."
   "Pop quiz, hotshot. You're stuck on a mountain face and this is your only way out. What do you do?"
   "Thank goodness this isn't a 'shoot the hostage' situation."
   Taking a deep breath, he performed some sort of jump and scramble until he was able to grab the end of her shirt. Tessa's arm felt like it would rip out of its socket, but she held on as he continued to climb and scramble back up to her.
   "Tessa, you're amazing," he cried, wrapping her in his arms and planting small kisses along her cheeks and neck. Her heart melted and she pulled him closer, unable to get enough of him.
   "I have to warn you," she said. "I've heard relationships based on tense experiences never work."
   "We'll have to base it on sex then," he replied automatically, giving her a nip at her ear.
   A chuckle from outside of their embrace brought their attention back to the world around them. Another couple appeared around the corner, both of them blowing at steaming to-go cups and trying hard to look like they hadn't been listening to their conversation.
   "We're almost there!" Matt grabbed her hand and they both hurried the few yards up the mountain until they reached a curve and the trees parted, and there in a small clearing was a small cottage with a neatly printed sign over the door simply stating Tea House.
   Matt walked straight inside and up to the register.
   "Two chai teas, please." Tessa was surprised how much she liked that he remembered the one tea she would drink. He placed his card confidently down on the counter for the barista to take.
   "I'm sorry, sir," she replied. "We only take cash."
   He turned back to Tessa, his eyes wide and covered his mouth with both hands. "I didn't even think about bringing cash," he mumbled through his hands.
   Tessa burst out laughing. "This wasn't even about the tea. Remember?"
« Last Edit: August 07, 2020, 09:51:48 PM by Dani Frank »

SKaeth

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Re: First draft - untitled
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2020, 12:33:12 AM »
I like the direction you went with this! That was tense there with the nearly falling over, and then that ending! Nice job!

Blueroan

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Re: First draft - untitled
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2020, 12:25:12 PM »
I love this! The dialogue is spot on and funny, the tension is palpable, a great story! I enjoyed this one!

Jeffrey Ricker

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Re: First draft - untitled
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2020, 01:16:04 AM »
Literal laugh-out-loud line: "Jesus help her, if he did another handstand, she would push him off of this mountain." Be careful what you wish for, eh?
Jeffrey Ricker (he/him)
I write books and stuff:
The Unwanted (YA fantasy)
Detours (Contemporary LGBT)

byLaytonTurner

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Re: First draft - untitled
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2020, 09:10:23 PM »
He'll think twice showing off like that beside a cliff, won't he? Cute first draft!