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Author Topic: Tenn's Second Draft  (Read 560 times)

Tenn

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Tenn's Second Draft
« on: July 24, 2021, 04:24:44 AM »
Sam didn?t have a solid plan for confronting the boy she?d almost killed, but a malleable plan was a plan, nonetheless. The summer heat beat down on her back and she resisted the urge to stir up a little wind to cool herself and her friend, Enya, who was speed walking alongside her. If either of them even thought of ?interfering with the elements? off school grounds, even to help themselves, they?d be arrested faster than they could blink.

She?d managed to convince the delinquent, who she only knew by screenname, to meet her in order to rectify the situation. She?d nearly killed him a month ago in one of their school's abandoned training buildings. Whether they'd lured him there was of no importance. He'd shown up with clear intentions to harm, and things had gotten out of hand on her part. Enya had saved him and they'd left him there, afterwhich Enya had refused to speak to her for days. He resurfaced online two weeks ago, inundating her inbox with what looked like security camera stills of the incident. With no electricity in the building, it could only mean that he?d had an accomplice. Thus, adding another person who knew about it, and who she and Enya would need to keep quiet. If the images were leaked, they could end up facing either the Ordinary court or the Elemental court, and Sam didn?t know which was worse.

The brick library came into view, and she cursed herself for agreeing to meet so far away from campus. The library was right across from the boy?s school, and was teeming with students, some of whom gave them curious looks as they made their way up the stone walkway. Enya?s idea of changing out of their uniforms was paying off. Had they done it Sam?s way, they?d probably be stoned before even setting foot on the pavement. They headed straight for the study rooms along a quiet corridor on the ground floor. Enya fiddled with her bracelet and they walked along the corridor of empty rooms, looking for their host. In the fifth room, they saw him sitting at a table with someone in a black hoodie. No doubt that was the accomplice.

Sam pushed open the door and plopped down next to the accomplice, who stood up immediately and moved to a cushioned chair in the corner, a sour look on his face. Enya entered the room like a mouse, the door closing with a soft click behind her.
?Welcome,? the boy said, a bemused smile spread across his face.
"Hello," Enya replied, smiling. "Glad to see you're well."
"Thanks to you."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Okay. Spare me. Let?s get straight to it: stop trying to blackmail me, and I won?t tell your police what really happened.?
His brow furrowed and he took a sip of his bottled water. ?What really happened is you attacked me, so―"
?You were on our territory,? Sam shot back. ?Let me remind you that you entered a Neelstem Academy building.?
?And now you?re on our turf, so I?d cool it with the attitude,? his friend chimed in, glowering.
?Or what?? she challenged, raising an eyebrow. Adrenaline shot through her veins as her irritation built. Enya, standing behind her, rested a calming hand on her shoulder.
?Rams, handle her before I do.?
?Handle me??
?Okay, relax. Ash, we?re here for a deal. Chill out.? Rams―apparently―said. He turned back to Sam, leaning back in his chair. ?What?ve you got??
?I told you. Stop blackmailing me, and I won?t turn you in.?
He thought for a moment, then his dark eyes narrowed. ?You tried to kill me and you think I?m the one in the wrong??
?I wasn?t trying to kill you, I―?
?Oh, so murder just comes naturally.?
?That?s all their people know how to do,? Ash cut in, his words slicing through Sam like a knife. She stood up and the chair clattered to the floor behind her. He rose from his corner seat and Rams scrambled from his seat to stand between them, begging his friend to calm down. The insults began flying. Enya was pulling her to leave, and Sam refused. Why should she be cowed down by someone who was inferior? Ash pushed past Rams and lunged at her, a glint of metal in his hand. Sam had only seen Enya?s hand rise for a fraction of a second before a burst of flames erupted on the left side of Ash's face, and he staggered back, letting out an agonizing bray as he brought his hands to his face. Rams grabbed Enya?s arm and she instantly dropped to the ground, screaming and writhing.

The boy?s skin bubbled from the elemental heat, and he screamed in agony with his hands covering over his face. Sam?s brain clicked into action, and she stepped toward him, palms upturned. She breathed deeply and concentrated. She pulled on the air as hard as she could, watching the flame flicker into nothingness as it lost its oxygen, and his eyes droop as his body, too, suffered the loss. Once the last of the flames went out, she forced the energy back toward him, a cooling wind that saw a thick white curtain of smoke wisping from between his fingers. He was now whimpering. Rams was staring at him wide-eyed. Enya was still on the ground, unconscious, a thin black bruise traveling up her arm.
Sam dropped her hand at her side.

She?d only made things worse.
Mission failed.
There were deep in Ordinary territory with no one else to defend them.
What had they done?


Shorter, but essentially the same. Something's missing but I can't tell what it is.

songmaiden

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Re: Tenn's Second Draft
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2021, 07:47:10 PM »
I like how you use the way they move to tell something about each character:


?Sam pushed open the door and plopped down next to the accomplice, who stood up immediately and moved to a cushioned chair in the corner, a sour look on his face. Enya entered the room like a mouse, the door closing with a soft click behind her.?