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Author Topic: Draft 1  (Read 4324 times)

Fabierien

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Draft 1
« on: November 03, 2019, 07:17:25 PM »
     Carle looked down at the crumpled note, her hands trembled. It had been eleven years since he left. Eleven years since he had answered the emperor's call. Five years since he had written back. Now the war was over. The Emperor wouldn't need her father any more. He would be free to go back to being a regular zeppelin pilot, go back to the old trade routes.

     She crumbled the letter in her hand and took off running. Down the hallways she ran, cage covered lamps attached to the wall providing distant pools of light. She skidded to a stop at a trunk and dropped to her knees. To her left a door leading to the fields.

     She threw open the lid and began rummaging through the contents. She tossed various uniforms wildly over her head, scattering the floor with them. Finally after minutes of searching she found what she had been looking for, a flare to guide them home.

     Grasping the flare in her hand she burst through the door and out on to the landing grounds. The wind whipped her hair about her face as she searched the darkness of the morning sky. Where were they? Finally in the distance she saw it, the blinking light of the Zeppelin fleet.

     Her father would be piloting the lead ship, he was the best. She rushed to the tower that stood over the fields. Round and round she ran up stairwell to the top. Rushing on to the platform she struck the flare, its light nearly blindingly bright. She wrapped one arm and swung over the field, the flare blaring into the sky. Other lights around the fields started to shine to make a path leading in. She could barely contain her mirth.

    For an hour she waited as the lights of the fleet grew ever closer. The sun started to penetrate the skyline and lighten the air. She could see the ships now, there were she paused to count...twenty-six. Carle cocked her head to the side looking at them. The Emperor barely had twenty in his fleet. But the message had said he was coming.

    As they approached they began to turn, northwards towards the town itself. With full view upon her she saw blue and gold running down the side. Those were not the colors of the Emperor or his sigil. She watched the bombs fall and the fires rise, followed by the screams. So many screams and she had lead them here. She burned with them.

Notes: Whoa buddy that is rough.

Grim Dreamer

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2019, 01:57:13 AM »
Air-ship punk! My son loves that.

Steph Whitaker

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2019, 05:45:40 PM »
Nice! :taco: Even with no dialogue, you made the story super intriguing in such a short word count. I'm impressed.

Fabierien

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2019, 06:34:47 PM »
Nice! :taco: Even with no dialogue, you made the story super intriguing in such a short word count. I'm impressed.

This is my first time trying to write them, we shall see how I do. :) Hopefully I will write something that he would be interested in.

Fabierien

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2019, 06:37:48 PM »
Nice! :taco: Even with no dialogue, you made the story super intriguing in such a short word count. I'm impressed.

This is my first time trying to write them, we shall see how I do. :) Hopefully I will write something that he would be interested in.

Aww thank you Steph. I appreciate that.

NLS80K

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2019, 06:10:35 AM »
This story had me going and I didn't see the ending coming till the final lines. Her excitement as she gets the flare and rushes to guide her father and the others all in. Then the moment when she realizes it's the enemy and she has inadvertently been helping them. Great effort, the story really got me in. :)
Naomi Lisa Shippen

SKaeth

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2019, 06:12:51 PM »
Oh man, I love this setting and the tension you create, leading right up to the twist of an ending! Leading in the enemy instead of her father--poor MC! Great job!

msocampowrites

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2019, 05:48:15 PM »
Holy crap! I love all the action and tension you have in this flash-post! This is something that will get the heart racing!

JenDavenport

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2019, 06:13:46 PM »
Wow! So much suspense in a small amount of space. Well done.

mwillis

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2019, 10:04:06 PM »
Love the emotional twist at the end. Hallmark of a great short story IMO.

Fabierien

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2019, 03:15:51 PM »
Thank you everyone for the kind words.

arianascribbles

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2019, 07:49:57 AM »
I love the emotional depth in the first part of the story when she is welcoming her father home. Her excitement and love are really clear on the page, which makes the ending drive home that much more.

Thuy

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Re: Draft 1
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2019, 05:33:25 AM »
That ending was totally unexpected, bringing home the devastation in the most impactful way. Stunning!