I had two excellent critique partners working with me. The fundamental issue I had in previous drafts was that I wasn't making the connection between the two threads of the story explicit enough for my readers to pick up on it. This draft is an attempt to address those concerns and paint some glowing arrows to ensure the reader knows why I'm suddenly talking about helicopters in the middle of a nice office meeting.
That means I had to make fairly substantial changes to add in connective tissue while keeping the work within word count limits. I feel like I'd much rather have a novel length to work with, but I'm guessing that would require this project to be a few more weeks long...
Hidden Transcripts
Excerpt from transcript of conversation with Alex Cervantes:
"So I had the helicopter dream again."
"Oh Alex. Tell me about it."
"Well, same as the others, you know? I'm flying real low in my old H-8 over a huge crowd and then it goes out of control. Only this time?"
"What happened this time?"
"This time just before I hit the ground, I saw my father in the crowd."
(sound of typing) "Running away from you like before?"
"No, Doc, see, that's the thing. He was just standing there in uniform at full salute. He kept on saluting 'til my 'copter hit him."
Sage Henderson sighed deeply. She had spent the entire week meticulously preparing transcripts from the director's case files to hand over to the veterans liaison's office, and now it looked like she was going to miss the meeting. Her virtual assistant had driven her to a non-descript office building that lacked the sort of signage one would expect from a government agency.
"Percy, can you confirm the address, please?"
"That's the spot, Superdoc!" the AI answered. "Be aware that rad levels in this area are orange today. Remember to put shields in place and remove all personal effects." Only half-listening to the car's persona, Sage went through her own checklist--shields, satchel, appearance--and headed inside quickly to minimize her exposure.
The high arches on the interior walls of the lobby meant the building had last been decorated decades before the Mercers War had begun. The security checkpoint, however, was clearly much more recently installed. The two security guards were the only other people in the lobby.
"I'm Doctor Henderson," she announced. "I'm here to speak with Colonel Alcaraz."
One of the guards waved her towards the scanner. "It's orange out, so we gotta zap you 'til you glow, ma'am."
"The background radiation messes up our scans," the other added.
"No problem," Sage answered, placing her items on the conveyor belt and walking into the long plastic scanning tunnel. "Where can I find the colonel?"
The two guards exchanged a look with one another, then the taller one said, "He's on parking level five."
"There's an underground parking garage?" she asked, picking up her items from the conveyor belt. They felt warm to the touch--the guards hadn't been kidding.
"No, ma'am. Not any more. The colonel's making renovations."
Sage nodded, mostly to herself, and got into the elevator. Before she hit the P5 button, she ran a thumb over the end of the data sticks to make sure the patient files were intact. They lit up green, so she put them back in the satchel. Taking a moment to look at her reflection in the mirrored walls of the elevator, she found herself staring into her own frightened eyes. What the hell was she thinking?
Excerpt from the Mercer Intelligence Officer Training Manual:
The acronym BREAK can be helpful for the intelligence officer operating with captured personnel in the Terran war zone:
B - Bring the prisoner back to the point of their trauma
R - Realistic situation
E - Engage all of the senses
A - Administer the testing or questioning protocol
K - Kill the prisoner
When the elevator door opened, it revealed a grey-haired officer in uniform pointing a pistol at her.
"Colonel Alcaraz?" she asked, widening her eyes at the weapon.
"Ah, Doctor Henderson!" the colonel exclaimed, quickly holstering his pistol. "Sorry about that. You can never be too careful these days. I see you found the place, though. You have the psych files?"
"Yes." Sage opened the satchel on her arm. The data sticks were still green and loose in the bottom of the bag.
"Excellent," the colonel said with a wink. "Follow me, and we'll go over them together." The colonel led Sage to a small room with an ancient red engraved sign on the door that read "BREAK ROOM."
The colonel flipped the switch and the fluorescent lighting flickered on, creating a strobing effect. In the center of the room, a hooded figure stood up straight and looked at the two of them with a fanatical expression and bright glowing yellow eyes--a Mercer.
Growling like a bear, it leapt at Sage with hands outstretched towards her satchel. She leaned back into the colonel, planted a solid kick into the side of the Mercer, and sent it headfirst into a nearby wall. Nanite smoke poured out from its head as it began to repair the damage it received.
"Run!" the colonel shouted. Sage ran after the colonel, heading out the door and down the hallway, making sure to drop the satchel clumsily on the way. Data sticks scattered across the floor in a cascade.
As she rounded the corner, she glanced back and saw the Mercer emerge from the doorway, holding its hand to its face. Nanites continued to rush out of its head, and its eyes weren't visible as it stooped down and started to scoop up the contents of the satchel.
Alarms began to ring and security doors started slamming down. Sage and the colonel found themselves alone in one of the newly secured hallway segments.
"So, now it just takes the bait?" Sage asked.
"All the way back to the nest if you shrinks got your patient prepped right."
Eighty meters above the Mercer airfield, Alex Cervantes lost control of the H-8 again while the crowd screamed and pointed. "We're going down, Mac!"
"We've got this, Alex!" his yellow-eyed co-pilot yelled. "Give me the passphrase for the remote detonation facility!"
Wild-eyed, Alex glanced over at the copilot. "What?"
Mac slapped open the interface for the repair module and prepared to type. "The passphrase! I can use it to fix the rotors!"
"What passphrase?" Cervantes screamed.
"The passphrase for the remote detonation facility you ran!" Mac screamed in frustration.
"I never worked in a detonation facility!" Cervantes yelled.
Mac looked around confused, just as the device hidden in Alex's brain began to split atoms and change the balance of the war.
Topic: Week 3 (CP edits incorporated) Hidden Transcripts (Read 1763 times)