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Week 5 posts / The Bride - Final Thoughts
« on: September 04, 2020, 08:14:31 PM »
I was super nervous going into Writer in Motion. Ridiculously nervous. Despite the lovely encouraging responses when I asked about it during one of the Q&A sessions on Twitter, my imposter syndrome went wild and I almost chickened out several times.
Im so glad I went for it!
I had tons of fun writing my story, revising it, getting amazingly helpful feedback from my two awesome CPs Blue and Sue (thank you both!) and then even more brilliant feedback from editor extraordinaire Carly (thank you!!!). I loved my finished story and am considering turning it into something bigger. I learnt tons about my writing style, made some great new writer friends, built my confidence, gained experience as a CP and most importantly had loads of fun
Thank you so much to the WIM team and all the writers involved for an amazing experience and some truly stunning stories. Can?t wait for the next one
Im so glad I went for it!
I had tons of fun writing my story, revising it, getting amazingly helpful feedback from my two awesome CPs Blue and Sue (thank you both!) and then even more brilliant feedback from editor extraordinaire Carly (thank you!!!). I loved my finished story and am considering turning it into something bigger. I learnt tons about my writing style, made some great new writer friends, built my confidence, gained experience as a CP and most importantly had loads of fun
Thank you so much to the WIM team and all the writers involved for an amazing experience and some truly stunning stories. Can?t wait for the next one
2
Week 4 posts / The Bride - Final Draft after Editor feedback
« on: August 30, 2020, 10:04:20 AM »
Having only limited experience with editors, I wasn't quite sure what to expect from this round. I half-envisaged a quick "yes this is fine," maybe with a couple of notes on grammar. Instead I got an amazingly helpful, enthusiastic and encouraging email from Carly, with a document full of comments and suggested tracked changes.
She gave tons of helpful advice, particularly around getting more of a feel of Echo in terms of her reactions and background, and also how to make it clearer that Malthas is completely out of his depth in this new world. I've had a few issues this week as I'm working on a campsite with no signal, hence being late in posting this (sorry
). But I've done my best to implement her suggestions in this final draft. I'm very very tempted to turn this into a full length novel - we shall have to see how it goes! Thank you so much Carly!
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped amongst the flowers and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless in the mass of alabaster blossoms, empty as a statue. He squinted, suppressing an impatient growl while he tried to decipher what was wrong.
The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure, barely audible above the music and drunken laughter emanating from the mountain slope. He cursed. She'd clearly left her people to meet him, so why had she stopped moving? He couldn't reach her either. Every time he waded into the fragrant blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded sharply.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified to sickly-sweet levels and a jolt of recognition hit him. Sleeping potions used by his realm's healers had a similar scent. Were the flowers purposely keeping her consciousness at bay?
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.
Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. I should've known. Release my bride immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
Echo scowled, crossing her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. The last time you involved yourself in my affairs, you didn't make a word of sense. Now we can negotiate. What will it take for you to surrender her?"
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She ignored his question, edging closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't know it calls you, or that it compelled her to come to your portal. Before I spelled her asleep, she was powerless and confused."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal? The paltry offerings inside offend me."
It was Echo's turn to smirk. "They're not offerings. They're souvenirs."
"Souvenirs?" He rolled the word on his tongue. "What does that mean?"
"It means your magnificent shrine is no more. It's a souvenir shop now, selling trinkets and baubles for hikers to commemorate their journeys. Badges, pencils, clothing with amusing motifs like 'King of the Hill' or 'Always on Top,' things like that."
"King of the Hill,'" he echoed blankly. "Is this a joke?"
She shook her head. "Your disciples are long gone too. I never expected to see you again."
Malthas leapt from the flat roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his dropped sword.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas." She bowed her head. "Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She took a fleeting look behind her as if she'd heard something, then rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked at her sudden agitation. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, of course," she replied, flicking another glance over her shoulder.
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand," he said slowly. "The humans have presumably forgotten you, as well as me. Why do you continue to protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."
Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."
Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me."
"Who?"
"It doesn't matter." She avoided his gaze. "I was given time to surrender. I chose to conceal myself instead, but by helping the human, my presence is no longer veiled. A change of scenery would be...helpful."
"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
"I am." She indicated his sword. "And you? Is being stabbed preferable to marrying me?"
Malthas grunted noncommittally, then pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."
Echo expelled a shaky breath, the tension in her shoulders loosening. At her signal, petals streamed from her flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her when she reaches her people."
The human jerked into motion behind the blossoms, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the shop. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous as she stole another look into the treeline.
He swept his gaze over her tense form. Was she worried about the humans coming to seek their missing companion? Unlikely. From the screeching laughter and irritatingly-loud music, the party continued unabated. No, it had to be this mysterious enemy making her jittery.
He quelled his curiosity. Questions could wait until they'd traversed the portal and were safe in his realm. She was right, this world had changed far too much for his liking.
His opinion was cemented when they entered the building. The gaudily-painted walls, the shelves of cheap, tawdry knick-knacks, the acrid smell of cleaning fluid and the general superficial ambience, it was enough to make anyone cringe. Even the merrily jangling bell above the door infuriated him, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire.
The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Echo's eyes widened as the spirals churned eagerly around her feet. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
"I'm offering one final chance to change your mind," he said gruffly.
She shook her head. "This makes sense, for both of us. Let's go."
A mocking rap on the door made them both stiffen.
A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."
Echo froze. "Narcissus."
"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.
She gave tons of helpful advice, particularly around getting more of a feel of Echo in terms of her reactions and background, and also how to make it clearer that Malthas is completely out of his depth in this new world. I've had a few issues this week as I'm working on a campsite with no signal, hence being late in posting this (sorry
). But I've done my best to implement her suggestions in this final draft. I'm very very tempted to turn this into a full length novel - we shall have to see how it goes! Thank you so much Carly!Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped amongst the flowers and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless in the mass of alabaster blossoms, empty as a statue. He squinted, suppressing an impatient growl while he tried to decipher what was wrong.
The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure, barely audible above the music and drunken laughter emanating from the mountain slope. He cursed. She'd clearly left her people to meet him, so why had she stopped moving? He couldn't reach her either. Every time he waded into the fragrant blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded sharply.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified to sickly-sweet levels and a jolt of recognition hit him. Sleeping potions used by his realm's healers had a similar scent. Were the flowers purposely keeping her consciousness at bay?
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.
Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. I should've known. Release my bride immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
Echo scowled, crossing her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. The last time you involved yourself in my affairs, you didn't make a word of sense. Now we can negotiate. What will it take for you to surrender her?"
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She ignored his question, edging closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't know it calls you, or that it compelled her to come to your portal. Before I spelled her asleep, she was powerless and confused."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal? The paltry offerings inside offend me."
It was Echo's turn to smirk. "They're not offerings. They're souvenirs."
"Souvenirs?" He rolled the word on his tongue. "What does that mean?"
"It means your magnificent shrine is no more. It's a souvenir shop now, selling trinkets and baubles for hikers to commemorate their journeys. Badges, pencils, clothing with amusing motifs like 'King of the Hill' or 'Always on Top,' things like that."
"King of the Hill,'" he echoed blankly. "Is this a joke?"
She shook her head. "Your disciples are long gone too. I never expected to see you again."
Malthas leapt from the flat roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his dropped sword.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas." She bowed her head. "Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She took a fleeting look behind her as if she'd heard something, then rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked at her sudden agitation. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, of course," she replied, flicking another glance over her shoulder.
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand," he said slowly. "The humans have presumably forgotten you, as well as me. Why do you continue to protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."
Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."
Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me."
"Who?"
"It doesn't matter." She avoided his gaze. "I was given time to surrender. I chose to conceal myself instead, but by helping the human, my presence is no longer veiled. A change of scenery would be...helpful."
"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
"I am." She indicated his sword. "And you? Is being stabbed preferable to marrying me?"
Malthas grunted noncommittally, then pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."
Echo expelled a shaky breath, the tension in her shoulders loosening. At her signal, petals streamed from her flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her when she reaches her people."
The human jerked into motion behind the blossoms, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the shop. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous as she stole another look into the treeline.
He swept his gaze over her tense form. Was she worried about the humans coming to seek their missing companion? Unlikely. From the screeching laughter and irritatingly-loud music, the party continued unabated. No, it had to be this mysterious enemy making her jittery.
He quelled his curiosity. Questions could wait until they'd traversed the portal and were safe in his realm. She was right, this world had changed far too much for his liking.
His opinion was cemented when they entered the building. The gaudily-painted walls, the shelves of cheap, tawdry knick-knacks, the acrid smell of cleaning fluid and the general superficial ambience, it was enough to make anyone cringe. Even the merrily jangling bell above the door infuriated him, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire.
The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Echo's eyes widened as the spirals churned eagerly around her feet. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
"I'm offering one final chance to change your mind," he said gruffly.
She shook her head. "This makes sense, for both of us. Let's go."
A mocking rap on the door made them both stiffen.
A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."
Echo froze. "Narcissus."
"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.
3
Week 3 posts / The Bride (3rd draft after CP feedback)
« on: August 20, 2020, 08:45:57 AM »
Having never been a CP before, I was super nervous about this round. I needn't have worried though. I was matched with two fantastic people (thank you so much Blue and Sue!) who gave me kind, helpful and enthusiastic feedback, AND I got to critique their amazing stories too. I loved it!
So in response to feedback, I have:
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.
The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.
Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
Echo crossed her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"
It was Echo's turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."
Malthas leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his sword.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, obviously."
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."
Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."
Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me. A change of scenery would be...helpful."
"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
Echo indicated his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"
"Actually, no." Malthas pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "I accept your proposition."
At Echo's signal, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her in the valley."
The human jerked into motion, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the house. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous.
The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
A mocking tap on the door made them both stiffen.
A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."
Echo froze. "Narcissus."
"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.
So in response to feedback, I have:
- Used names more. As a dialogue-heavy piece, there is a lot of back and forth and therefore a lot of pronoun usage
- Tried to soften the transitions
- Added a bit more description in places although the word limit made that tricky
- Sorted out the roots after they tied Malthas up in the last draft then didn't release him, lol
- My girl Echo was a hit! but her motives were considered a bit weak, which I completely agree with (again, a word limit issue for me). So I gave her more motivation for leaving, which meant...
- I've changed the ending again
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass and bats darted overhead. The tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.
The portal to his realm thrummed beneath the concrete structure. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon." A petite young woman emerged from the treeline, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn hair woven with vines.
Malthas groaned. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
Echo crossed her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are myths, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"
It was Echo's turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."
Malthas leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Agony ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth, coiling around his sword.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
White-hot fury surged through his veins and he lunged at her. A root whipped his feet from under him, flipping him over. He let out a roar. "I want a bride! My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
The nymph's countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, obviously."
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," Echo retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal."
Malthas snorted. "Sentimental claptrap. Nobody is that selfless. Speak true, nymph."
Echo bit her lip. "In breaking my curse, I angered someone who can hurt me. A change of scenery would be...helpful."
"We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. Regardless of your situation, I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
Echo indicated his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"
"Actually, no." Malthas pursed his lips. Technically, he'd obeyed his emblem's call. Obtaining an alternative bride wasn't against his realm's laws. At least, he hoped not. "I accept your proposition."
At Echo's signal, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, swirling around the human and marking a tumbling path down the mountainside. "Guide her to safety. Awaken her in the valley."
The human jerked into motion, arms outstretched and eyes glazed. As she disappeared, Malthas disentangled his sword and gestured awkwardly at the house. Echo's answering nod looked just as nervous.
The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summer fragrance soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it shyly. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
A mocking tap on the door made them both stiffen.
A divinely beautiful man leaned against the frame, his splendour marred by a cold, triumphant expression. "Time's up, Echo."
Echo froze. "Narcissus."
"I see you found a protector." The newcomer appraised Malthas derisively. "How much is she paying you, brute? I'll double it."
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously, the portal imploded, dragging the god inside. As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If the god intended to harm his new bride, the fight was on.
4
Week 3 posts / Re: Universe of Time - Draft 3 CP Edits
« on: August 19, 2020, 12:40:44 PM »
I didn't think it was possible, but I love it even more! 
5
Week 2 posts / Re: Second Draft: The Witch of Blue Ridge
« on: August 15, 2020, 12:43:46 PM »
I really like the new beginning - it gives it an immediate supernatural air. And I LOVE the reveal at the end!
6
Week 2 posts / Re: Strangers (Draft 2)
« on: August 15, 2020, 12:25:57 PM »
Having read the first draft I knew the twist was coming but it still made me gasp! Such a good story.
7
Week 2 posts / Re: Second Draft - SMOKE AND FOG
« on: August 15, 2020, 12:16:06 PM »
This is great, beautiful imagery and I love the ending!
8
Week 2 posts / Re: The Lighthouse - Self Edit
« on: August 14, 2020, 12:48:34 PM »
I love this story. You draw us effortlessly into his pain and sadness. I still want to give him a hug! 
9
Week 2 posts / Re: The Bride (2nd draft, self-edits)
« on: August 14, 2020, 12:40:36 PM »
Thank you both! I'm really torn about the ending. I think it packs more of a punch than the original, but I also reeeally want to give them their HEA... think I need at least another 1000 words
10
Week 2 posts / The Bride (2nd draft, self-edits)
« on: August 13, 2020, 12:36:26 PM »
My self-edited draft - I rarely write short stories so found working to a 1000 word limit hard but also good editing practice. Still not 100% happy with it and it's definitely less short story now and more the start of something bigger 
But in a nutshell I tried to:
* Tighten dialogue
* Improve descriptions (real weak point for me)
* Fight my nemeses: passive voice, filler words and adverbs
* Delve deeper into MC personalities & history
* Strengthen the Greek mythology link
* Completely change the ending?!
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass, bats darted overhead and the tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.
The portal to his realm pulsed beneath the concrete structure, anxious to seal shut. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon."
Another young woman emerged from the treeline. Petite and barefoot, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn braid woven with vines.
Of course. Who else. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
She crossed her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are mythoi, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"
It was her turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."
He leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't even flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Pain ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth. He wrenched sideways, a roar burning his throat as they bound his forearms.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
"I want a bride!" He jerked against the restraints. "My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
Her countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take up my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, obviously."
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," she retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal. Besides, a change of scenery might be nice."
Did she understand what she was offering? "We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A huffed chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
She gestured at his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"
"Actually, no." He pursed his lips as distant strands of festival music drifted over them. Technically, he wouldn't be breaking any laws. He'd obeyed his emblem's call. Selecting an alternative bride wasn't illegal. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."
At her nod, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, marking a tumbling path down the mountainside.
"Guide her to safety," she instructed the blossoms. "Awaken her in the valley."
Arms outstretched and eyes glazed, the human jerked into motion, petals swirling around her. He barely noticed her departure, his attention locked on Echo as she exhaled shakily. Was she frightened? Regretful? Even relieved? He wasn't sure.
The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summery aroma soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it with a shy smile. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
"Echo, are you here? That repulsive demon has returned..."
A man peeped around the door. A divinely beautiful man, whose splendour didn't match his peevish expression.
"Narcissus," Echo gasped, dropping Malthas' hand like a guilty child.
Peering into the gloom, the newcomer gaped. "Get away from her, brute!"
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously the portal imploded, dragging Narcissus, shrieking, into the room.
As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If that preening god intended to steal his new bride, the fight was on.
But in a nutshell I tried to:* Tighten dialogue
* Improve descriptions (real weak point for me)
* Fight my nemeses: passive voice, filler words and adverbs
* Delve deeper into MC personalities & history
* Strengthen the Greek mythology link
* Completely change the ending?!
Crouched atop the ugly mountainside building, Malthas stretched his leathery wings and studied his new bride. She stood immobile in the clearing, an alpine breeze billowing her clothes and hair. Crickets chirped in the grass, bats darted overhead and the tattoo on her wrist, his spiral emblem, whispered insistently. She remained voiceless among the alabaster flowers, empty as a statue.
The portal to his realm pulsed beneath the concrete structure, anxious to seal shut. He cursed. He'd cloaked himself in shadows to infiltrate the human festival in the valley, enduring the drunken fools and shrill music to snatch the girl. When they landed, she'd bolted into the undergrowth. Now, every time he waded into the blooms, something repelled him.
"Come to me," he commanded.
She remained vacant, unseeing. The flowers quivered, their stems tightening around her ankles. Their cloying aroma intensified, keeping her consciousness at bay.
He ground his teeth. "Come to me."
"Leave her be, demon."
Another young woman emerged from the treeline. Petite and barefoot, her gown shimmering in the moonlight and her auburn braid woven with vines.
Of course. Who else. "Damn you, Echo. Release my bride from your enchantment immediately."
"I will not."
"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be mooning after that vapid Greek, Narcissus? Did the so-called god ever return your adoration?"
She crossed her arms. "Mind your business."
He smirked. "You broke that nasty curse and recovered your voice, at least. Surrender the girl."
"This world has transformed since last you came, Malthas." She edged closer. "Humans reign supreme now. We ancients are mythoi, our symbols used as meaningless body art. The mark she bears is decoration. She doesn't hear it calling you."
"Nonetheless, she carries my emblem. She belongs to me."
"She doesn't," Echo snapped. "You terrify her. You're an idol here no more, your temple vanished long ago."
"Yes, what is this eyesore obscuring my portal?"
It was her turn to smirk. "No longer a magnificent shrine, is it? Your disciples are gone too. I never expected to see you again."
He leapt from the roof, flaring his wings as he landed. "Be warned, meddlesome nymph, I'll gladly spill blood to secure my prize."
"You cannot harm me on my mountain."
"Such confidence." He loomed over her, drawing the glinting blade that cowed a thousand enemies. "Let's test it."
She didn't even flinch. Before he could decide whether to be impressed or insulted, she flicked her wrists as if shooing insects. A gust of wind caught his wings, hurling him against the building. Pain ripped through him, stars exploding in his vision. He shook his head dazedly, then the ground rumbled and thick roots erupted in a shower of earth. He wrenched sideways, a roar burning his throat as they bound his forearms.
"You will not take humans anymore." Her emerald eyes blazed. "I'll detain you for eternity if necessary."
"I want a bride!" He jerked against the restraints. "My last one died so long ago, I've forgotten her face. I'm forbidden to wed unless my emblem summons me here. Loneliness is relentless, Echo. It eats you alive."
Her countenance softened. "I know."
"Give her to me," he pleaded. "She'll want for nothing as my queen."
"I vowed to ensure only willing humans accompany you. There are none left."
"I will make her love me-"
"Love cannot be forced, Malthas. Trust me, I know."
A dark, familiar ache gnawed his insides and he slumped. "Then take up my sword. Let's see how immortality fares against a blade through the heart."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm no killer. But..." She rushed her next words. "Would a nymph make a suitable alternative?"
He blinked. "Alternative what?"
"Bride, obviously."
His jaw dropped. "Are you drunk?"
"Certainly not," she retorted. "I'm offering myself in place of all mortals. Our union would be everlasting-"
"I don't understand. The humans have forgotten you. Why do you protect them?"
"Because I pledged to do so." She raised her chin. "Although the world has altered, my oath is eternal. Besides, a change of scenery might be nice."
Did she understand what she was offering? "We're discussing infinity, not a daytrip. You've made your hostility plain over the eons. I'm hardly the husband of your dreams."
"Nor I the devoted wife of yours."
A huffed chuckle escaped him. "You're serious."
She gestured at his sword. "You'd prefer to be stabbed?"
"Actually, no." He pursed his lips as distant strands of festival music drifted over them. Technically, he wouldn't be breaking any laws. He'd obeyed his emblem's call. Selecting an alternative bride wasn't illegal. At least, he hoped not. "Very well. I accept your proposition."
At her nod, petals streamed from the flowers on a sweet-scented wind, marking a tumbling path down the mountainside.
"Guide her to safety," she instructed the blossoms. "Awaken her in the valley."
Arms outstretched and eyes glazed, the human jerked into motion, petals swirling around her. He barely noticed her departure, his attention locked on Echo as she exhaled shakily. Was she frightened? Regretful? Even relieved? He wasn't sure.
The building's dust, cobwebs and general barrenness infuriated him when they entered, yet somehow, the nymph's summery aroma soothed his ire. The portal vibrated, creating spiral shadows on the fractured tiles. Half-expecting her to flee, he extended his hand. After a moment's hesitation, she accepted it with a shy smile. His heart swelled. For the first time in centuries, he allowed himself a glimmer of hope.
"Echo, are you here? That repulsive demon has returned..."
A man peeped around the door. A divinely beautiful man, whose splendour didn't match his peevish expression.
"Narcissus," Echo gasped, dropping Malthas' hand like a guilty child.
Peering into the gloom, the newcomer gaped. "Get away from her, brute!"
Malthas snarled, tensing for battle. Simultaneously the portal imploded, dragging Narcissus, shrieking, into the room.
As the trio plummeted into oblivion, Malthas made his own vow. If that preening god intended to steal his new bride, the fight was on.
11
Week 1 posts / Re: Kindred: first draft, rhyming included!
« on: August 10, 2020, 06:13:20 PM »
I loved this and it was great to read your musings as well. It has a traditional fairytale x modern retelling x Terry Pratchett vibe. I can see it as a tv adaptation at Christmas! I look forward to seeing how it develops.
12
Week 1 posts / Re: Yunequine:Cambriea (blog post, first draft linked)
« on: August 10, 2020, 06:07:47 PM »
Shifter unicorns! I really did love this. Such a sweet ending too.
I really did love this. Such a sweet ending too.
13
Week 1 posts / Re: First Draft: The Watcher in the Vale
« on: August 07, 2020, 03:59:11 PM »
A great premise and so well-written! I look forward to seeing how it develops!
14
Week 1 posts / Re: The Bride (1st draft)
« on: August 07, 2020, 05:12:28 AM »I love the use of mythology here, and Echo finally getting the spotlight due her! Great, solid first draft!Thank you! I?d love to increase the mythology element in the next draft but the pesky word limit is testing me!
15
Week 1 posts / Re: First Draft: Universe of Time
« on: August 07, 2020, 05:05:09 AM »
Yay dragons! Lots of beautiful dragons! Really lovely story